A Difficult Decision Made

Throughout my entire pregnancy with Jonas, I had high hopes that I'd make it to term.  I would get annoyed when other women would complain about being full term, while knowing full well the consequences of having a premie.  Marco was a premie... not a severe one, but one none-the-less.  36 weeks is still considered premature.  As you've read before, he had difficulty breathing, was in the NICU and was on constant medication for the first 10 months of his life.  This is hard on any parent, and not something that you want a repeat of. 

So, I have always said that if #2 was also a premie, I'd have to take action.  I can not assume that it's TWO coincidences or flookes.  No, this is because of me.  I have to assume that MY body can not hold a baby to term.  There have been other thoughts on the matter, such as getting pregnant too soon after the first, but these are just theories... not guarantees.  

Having one premie is difficult, having two is even harder... I fear having three would be unbearable!  
During the course of my stay at the hospital, I had a lot of time to think and pray over this matter.  I knew Jonas was going to be another premie... that was already determined.  
The decision I had ahead of me: Should I permanently "close up shop" by getting my tubes tied (and cut, and burned), or should I wait on it?  

On the one hand, I knew that it would be a simple procedure, because I was already having a c-section.  This would also eliminate the need to go under the knife later, or force Mauricio to get it done- I'd have to drag him in kicking and screaming!  I also thought that IF my assumptions were correct, and I couldn't carry to term, then chances are I'd have yet ANOTHER premie.  And, the chances were high that the third would be earlier than the previous two.  Could I handle having another premie... emotionally?  Could my body handle carrying another child... physically?  

On the other hand, I felt like I was cheating my husband out of the opportunity of being a father again.  I felt like I was too young (27) to be making a decision that was so permanent and would affect the balances of our family forever.  I felt like Mauricio was too young (24) to be deciding if our family was truly complete.  A part of my heart was still holding on to the idea of one day having a baby girl.  I didn't want to cheat him out of having a daughter.  It still breaks my heart a little

After much consideration, I decided to have to procedure done.  FOUR of my OB's came to speak with me, urging me to have it done.  They said that they didn't think my body could handle another pregnancy and that I was a perfect candidate to have it done.  I felt like the Lord was talking to me through them.  Really, shouldn't I be so incredibly grateful to have TWO boys?!  Shouldn't I be encouraged that even though they are both premies, they are still perfect and healthy?  Why am I sometimes blinded by my own selfish desires and I fail to see all that He has already blessed me with?!  I couldn't selfishly put my life on the line again for the chance of having another baby.  What if something horrible happened?  What if the third is a really early baby and we lose it?  I couldn't live with myself knowing that I could have chosen differently.  What if my body failed completely and I died, leaving Mau to raise two or three children on his own?  How selfish of me... and for what?! 
There are so many people, family and good friends of mine, who are unable to have children.  I, who have already been blessed with two, should not continue to endanger myself for the selfish desire of being a "super mom".  I already AM a "SUPER MOM"!  

Thankfully, my adoring husband was behind me 1000%, and supported my decision whole heartedly.  I had the Tubal done immediately after Jonas was born.  It still makes me sad to think about, but I have to remind myself that I did it for my family.  I did it because I love Mauricio and Marco and Jonas much much more than the IDEA of having another child.  They are my family... they are the ones that need me now... and there is nothing I wouldn't do to protect that


CPP said...

I'm not sure what I would have done if I wereput in your shoes but I think you really thought about it from all angles and at the the end of the day, you made a decision that was not only right for you but also for your family. I applaud you for your strength and wish you guys the best with your new little one.



Tara Ngozi said...

Nicole, I know that it was difficult for you to decide to tie your tubes. My only thought while reading this is that you were making a beautiful sacrifice for your family. Only people who have had a preemie can really understand what it's like. You know that my son Damon was a micro-preemie, 1 lb 5 oz. I can't imagine myself or my a child of mine ever going through that again.

blessings to you, Mau, and the babies!

Heloisa said...

I´m whith you and undertood everytyhing you told..it´s all right! you´re a SUPER MOM... I admire you so much, YOU and your blessing family, Mauricio, Marco and Jonas!!!
Congrats for your decision!
love U...forever

Danielle-Marie said...

This post: it's me. Through and through. Except perhaps I'm TRULY selfish because we have both a boy and a girl! Maybe I just need to DO IT to know we've made the right decision.