What I Sing Now

I have told you all in the past that I studied Vocal Performance in college.
To clarify that for non-music people... that's Opera.

Not many people say they studied Opera in college... but I did.  Some may say it's a dying art form, to which I would have to sort of agree (my music colleagues are gasping right now), but really, jobs are scarse.  In fact, of all the people I knew in college, only TWO of them are actually performing in that genre.

I could have continued my education... I was invited to audition at the Manhattan School of Music, and the story of why I didn't end up auditioning will have to be another post because it's too long.  But honestly, I didn't know what I wanted to do.  Jobs are scarse.

So I decided to move into education and become a middle school chorus teacher.  I loved that job.  I never ever wanted to teach, but I learned that I liked teaching after all.  I went from singing Mozart arias to middle-school choral music over night.

And along with teaching, my voice began to deteriorate.  I was singing for about 8 hours a day.  Loudly.  And I was talking for even more than that.  My voice was getting really tired.

So I started taking voice lessons to regain that strength, but at my level, voice lessons were pricey!  Like $80 an hour!  It was way too expensive.

Then I became a mom, quit teaching and my repertoire changed yet again.
These days, all I sing is "Twinkle Twinkle", "ABC's" and "Happy Birthday".

I teach on Saturdays, but I don't really SING.  I listen to kids sing and demonstrate throughout, but I don't SING.

I haven't REALLY sung in YEARS.

And now, I'm terrified.

I'm so vocally out of shape.  I desperately need voice lessons, but I can't afford them.  I would like to take the time to practice, but I can't figure out when... I can't do it while the kids nap because I'm too loud.  I can't do it when they're awake because they want to monopolize the piano and tell me what to sing.

So why does it matter?

Because now, at my job, we are being asked to perform several times a year.
And again... I'm terrified!

What if I go up there and suck it up... and then people are like "THAT girl is teaching MY kid?".  And guess what?  I can't go up there and sing "You Are My Sunshine" (my specialty) ... I'm gonna have to sing Mozart!  And I haven't sung that in at least 7 years.

You guys, I'm scared.
Maybe this is the push I need.
But I'm still scared.

Oh and, I just found out that I'm the oldest and most experienced voice teacher at my job.  That just adds more pressure.

(I wanna cry)

When Will We Learn?!

So back in November, Mauricio and I bought a pair of iPhone 4s's.  They were beautiful... pristine.  I even wrote a post about how excited I was to have this new gadget.

We, like most parents, have found that when your child is on the verge of a melt down, handing them the iPhone will usually curve it.  All of a sudden they have something new, shiny and entertaining in their hands and all is right in the world.  This works especially well in restaurants, doctors offices or anywhere else they're expected to be still and quiet for an extended period.

We knew it was risky letting them have the phone... but was it a risk worth taking?  Probably not.

Earlier last month we went to Disney World.  As we were checking into the hotel, the boys began squirming in their stroller and trying to get out.  They were being very loud and rude while we were trying to make our arrangements.  So Mauricio relied on Old Faithful, and handed Marco the phone.  My in-laws arrived at the hotel and Marco was released from the confines of the stroller... still with phone in hand.  While we were all busy making our preparations, no one had noticed that Marco had placed the phone down on the counter and walked away.  Within 5 minutes, the phone had vanished!  We talked to every security person, made a claim, watched security cameras and tried to track it, but alas, it was gone.

Now, while we want to blame Marco, we really can't.  When we're home, if he puts something down, he can trust that it'll be there when he returns for it.  He's only two after all!  Bottom line, it was our fault.  We shouldn't have trusted him with it.

Mauricio still has not replaced the phone because it would cost him over $600 for a new one due to the fact that we're not due for an upgrade for some time.

Fast forward to today.  We had a play date with friends and afterward we all headed to a pizza restaurant for lunch.  There were 8 kids and 4 moms.  Whew.  So as the clock starts ticking, Jonas begins getting tired and fussy.  He's standing up in his high chair, throwing forks, tossing his cup... just acting up.  So I rely on Old Faithful.  I hand Jonas my phone and it calms the storm.  We're having lunch and everything is fine until Jonas decides that the phone is no longer entertaining enough and he throws it on the floor.  I have a case, but it's obviously not baby proof.  I picked it up and wanted to cry.

Shattered.
Completely shattered.

But really, I can't blame Jonas.  It's MY fault.  I didn't need to give it to him.  I could have packed his pacifier and a toy and laid him down instead.  I could  have packed him a book or a toy.  He's only 19 months old after all!  I shouldn't have trusted him with it.

So I'm heading to the Apple Store Genius Bar later this evening to see if there is anything they can do for me.  I am buying a huge case and I'm going to break my kids of this habit.  Ugh.

It's only appropriate that Marco would lose Mauricio's phone and then Jonas would break mine.  We're all even-Stevens.  Now Mauricio can't be mad at me or else he'd be the Pot and I'd be the Kettle.  We're 1 and 1.  When will we learn?!

(Insert Clever Title Here)

I don't know how to title this one.  It's about vomit.  How do you title something like that?  How about "Vexatious Vomit"... sound good?  No?  Ok.

(And if you don't know what "Vexatious" means, you're not alone.  It's, and I quote, "annoying.  A younger sibling can often be vexatious to their older brothers and sisters".  Ahh, I love Google.

Anyway.

Jonas... I can't blame him.  He was born problematic.  If you've been reading my story for some time, you know that while he's a JOY in my life, he's also been DRAMA.  From coming out too soon... being in the NICU... having colic... and everything else in between.  He's much more work than Marco was.

Now, the latest issue.  He throws up.  All the time.  At every meal.  What the heck is that about?!

In the morning I bring him over to drink his milk and he takes it down.  As soon as he's done, he starts gagging and coughing, followed by throwing up.  It's not a baby "spit up".  Trust me, I know the difference.  This is full fledge projectile vomit all over the floor.  I'm SO used to it by now that I have a holding technique so as to not dirty his or my clothes.  Yeah, I'm a pro.  But I do end up having to clean the floor EVERY day.

But it doesn't end there.  He does this whole coughing gag during every meal, pretty much.  He throws up all sorts of food, regardless of texture.  He also drinks his juice or water too quickly and throws that up too.  Usually in the car seat.  That's just wonderful... car seat vomit... while I'm driving.

Classic Jonas.  We don't get upset.  We've accepted the fact that Jonas will just be that way.

But in all honesty, I'm becoming a bit concerned about the constant vomiting.  That's not normal.  So, if you have any ideas, tips or advice, I'd love to hear it!  We'll be taking him to the doctor next week for his 15 month check and this is first on my list to talk to the doctor about.  Hoping it's just him forcing (aka being a brat) and not a more troubling issue.  I'll keep you posted.

Wearing Me Down

Alright guys.  I know you've read post after post about how I must win over my kids.  About how they have to be reared now in order for me to have the upper hand in the future.  About sticking to my game plan.

But guess what?  I'm tired.  Really, really tired.

Nearly every night either Marco or Jonas is waking up and making our lives unbearable.  For Marco, usually it's around 2:30.  He sneaks into my room and wants to come into bed with us.  The game plan was to walk him back to his bed and tuck him in without saying a word.  No "go night-night", no "MARCO!", no anything... just silence.  Kinda like a zombie... a very tired zombie.  But what I didn't anticipate was that this kid would have more endurance than me!  We went through this routine for 2 hours the other night.  From 2:30 to almost 5.  I was done... done.

When he does this for 2-3 days in a row, that's it, I'm completely exhausted.  At that point I don't even care about our stupid "game plan".  Screw the "game plan", I'll do anything for more sleep.  By the third night, I just sent Mauricio to sleep with him so we could all get some rest.  Marco-1, Us-0.  He got his way... he won that battle.

The worst is if he wakes up Jonas in all this mess.  Then we've really lost.  It's incredibly difficult to get TWO babies back to sleep.  So in this case, we divide and conquer deal with it.  I take Jonas and try to get him to sleep in my bed, while Mau goes to bed with Marco.  Again, Kids-1, Us-0.

But sometimes Jonas wakes up on his own, and for no apparent reason.  When this happens, the situation is controllable and bearable because it's just him.  We always rush into his room and scoop him up before he wakes up Marco.  If he wakes Marco, all bets are off.  Usually we can get him back to sleep pretty easily... but in our bed.

So it's a good night when we go 8-10 hours with no one crying, no one sneaking into our bed, and no one waking up in the bed that's not theirs.  But, unfortunately, this only happens 2-3 nights a week.  I'm starting to develop anxiety before bed time because I know it's just a matter of time before someone starts whimpering or climbing out of their beds.  I've got a good 3 hours of sleep before the most annoying wake up call begins to scream.

Truth is, I have no desire to parent from 11pm-8am.  I don't want to do it.  But I have to.  Guys, I'm at a loss here... I don't know how we're going to do it... how we're going to survive this.  It might possibly be worse than having a newborn... because at least a newborn has a reason to be waking up!  But Marco and Jonas have NO good reason, other than brattiness.

Readers:  I need help.  A word of advice.  A word of encouragement.  Many words of prayer.  Please?

Living Conditions

You know I'm living with my in-laws right now.  But did you know we're on a plan to live here for a year?  We're trying to pay off debt, save money to buy a house and buy cars and basically start fresh and clean.  We feel so grateful and blessed that Mauricio's parents have agreed to allow us to live here.  Really, they're great.

But that said, we're a bit tight.  Why?  Because my dear husband doesn't want to continue paying for a storage unit.  He wants to bring in all of our boxes and sell our furniture.  I'm not thrilled with this idea.  I don't think selling our furniture is wise because once we do have our own place, we'll be sitting on the floor.  So we're trying to find a place to store our furniture rent free.

The boxes, however, are here already.  I know what you're thinking... where?  There are already 6 people living there!  Where?  I'll tell you.  Pushed up against every available wall space in our room.  It's organized... but chaotic.  How's that for an oxymoron?!  

No, that's not all... the rest are under Marco's bed and Jonas' crib.  And there's another side of the room I didn't photograph.  So this is how we're living... for a year.  

I keep telling myself I can sacrifice for a year.  I mean, really, what's a year in the grand scheme of things.  We have our whole lives together... one year is nothing.  But the other part of me keeps saying I deserve the "wife of the year" award.  What do you think?

Here We Go Again...

Today I decided to try and introduce Jonas to cows milk for the first time.  Remember when I said I was going to be weaning... like 6 months ago?  Yeah, I never did.  Forget it... I love breastfeeding too much.  And honestly, if I didn't HAVE to wean at this point, I wouldn't either.  But now it really is time.  I've done well... 11 months so far... but I want him on all cows milk by the time he's 13 months.  My RA symptoms are coming back with a vengeance and it's time to go back on meds.  I don't feel good about having a chemical cocktail inside my body, traveling through my milk and into my baby... hence, the weaning shall commence.   

Unfortunately, it didn't go so well today... what a shocker.  I decided to cut out my afternoon feeding first.  So, after lunch, I prepared a cup of cold cows milk for him.  Since he was thirsty, he began chugging it... and I thought "oh, my good boy isn't gonna give me a problem like Marco... what a good eater".  That was until his thirst was quenched.  Then he would take a sip and let it fall out of his mouth.  So I decided to warm it up.  Try again.  No luck.  He'd take a sip, shake his head and spit it out.  Ok, let's try to add some honey.  I laid him on my lap like I was going to nurse him, gave him the sippy... he took a sip and spit it out.

Oh boy, here we go again...

Marco gave me this SAME problem.  It's so bad, that we gave up... that's right... my toddler does not drink milk.  None.  Not a drop.  Which has been challenging because I have to be sure he gets enough calcium.  Basically, every day he takes a calcium supplement, eats at least 1 cheese stick and has at least 1 cup of yogurt.  I have exhausted my options on how to give Marco his milk.  Here are all the ways I've tried... you can mix and match on your own and see just how many options I've given him... and none have worked:

Temp:            Method:                Additives:
Cold               In a cup                Honey
Warm             In a sippy             Sugar
Hot                 In a straw cup      Splenda
                       In a mug              Chocolate
                       In a bottle            Vanilla
                       With cereal          Strawberry
                                                   Breast-milk

The warm milk in a bottle with honey worked for a few months... then nada.  So I tried to thirst him out.  He went to sleep and when he woke up in the morning, I offered him milk... he refused.  Then snack time, I offered him more milk.  He still refused.  Lunch, milk, refusal.  It was 2 in the afternoon when I finally gave up.  I was afraid he'd get dehydrated!  He hadn't had a DROP of any liquids since the night before!  Talk about strong willed!!!  So, I came to the realization that he just doesn't like it.  And I gave up all together.  He has never asked for milk again.  And the few times I've tried to reintroduce it has yielded the same results.

I was REALLY hoping that Jonas would be different.  But I fear I'm going to have another battle ahead of me.

The only honest conclusion I can come up with is that I must have some rockin', good tasting, never duplicated, out-of-this-world breast-milk.  I should bottle this stuff!  Who's buyin'?

Smokey the Pool Lady

You know, I don't know how these things happen to me, but they do and you know me, I can't keep my trap shut.  I have a REALLY big bark... but no bite at all.

Today we joined Carol, her kids and Beth with her son at the pool for our final pool play date.  All was going well... as well as can be expected with 6 kids and 3 adults.  We decide to take a break from the deep pool and head over to the baby pool for a bit.  While in the baby pool, we noticed these 2 women smoking right outside the gate.  The wind was blowing in such a way that the smoke was coming directly our way.  So, I comment to Carol, "Ugh, I hate the smell of smoke".  That's it.  That was my comment.  The lady rushed over to the gate and proceded to rip us a new one.

Back story:  This was not Carol's first encounter with Smokey.  Apparently, a few weeks back, Carol informed Smokey that there was no smoking at or in the pool.  On this day, she was smoking INSIDE the pool.  Come on, that's common sense!

So, I guess my simple comment threw her over the edge.  Smokey told us that she was entitled to smoke outside the gate, and where would I have her stand instead?  Well, she asked, so I told her.  I told her I'd like her to stand a little further down so I didn't have to smell her stench.  To which she replied, too bad.  If she didn't like my answer, she shouldn't have asked.  Just as she's entitled to smoke outside the gate, I am entitled to say WHATEVER I want about her stinky smoke.

She finishes her cigarette and comes over to us for another bantering.  She tells us that we need to shut our mouths and that we are LUCKY our kids were with us or else.  She was even so kind as to invite Carol out to the parking lot to settle it like "big girls".  Ha!  She wanted to fight... now that's Klassy!

Well, you want to know the cherry on top?  She called the COPS!  Yep, she really did!  We were having our lunch under the pavilion when we see her chatting with an officer.  Did she think we were going to get in trouble for saying something about her smoking... is she delusional?!  The officer comes up to us and hears "our side" which is no big deal.  Carol said that the only thing that she was upset about was Smokey threatening her and calling her out.  Well, as expected, and as stated in our Good Ol' American Constitution, anyone can say anything they want.  DUH!

So in the end, nothing happened.  The cop went back to serving and protecting against REAL crime, and ol' Smokey went back to getting her fierce tan on... she's 50 by the way, yuck.

Now, let me shamelessly admit something before the world of bloggers... I am prejudice against smokers... and I.Don't.Care.One.Bit.  I usually give smokers a bad face while walking past them.  I cough loudly on purpose.  I say loud comments about how stinky it is.  Shameless.  First of all, I don't think that I or my children should have to endure hazardous chemicals because a STRANGER can't practice self control and is too selfish to smoke in the privacy of their own homes.  Heck yes, I think smoking in public should be finable and GOOD JOB, NYC for making it that way!  Smoking is hazardous to our health... as is 2nd hand smoke.  This is not an idea or a opinion... it's a FACT!  I have chronic lung disease and who knows what other ailments other people may have, and yet these self righteous smokers feel the need to cry about their "smokers rights".  Well, what about MY right to breathe clean, non-toxic air?  What about MY right to not expose my children to it?  Why should I have to leave if I'm not the one with the addiction.  Actually, I do have an addiction... to clean air.  

Ok, I'll step off my soap box now.  Whew.

Jonas and Hyde

Remember when I was constantly complaining about Jonas crying and wanting to be held?  Well, that was about 6 months ago and he was only 3 months old... that's completely forgivable.  What is NOT forgivable, is my almost NINE month old STILL constantly crying and wanting to be held!!!

Jonas is such a sweet and beautiful boy.  When he's in a good mood and happy, he fills the room with joy... we're all happy when Jonas is happy.  But, when he's in a bad mood, the exact opposite happens... when Jonas is unhappy, we're ALL unhappy.

Jonas has learned that the most effective way of getting what he wants is to scream at the top of his lungs... not cry... SCREAM!  We've tried ignoring, but he is a very persistant boy... he wont stop... no matter how long you wait it out.

His biggest complaints are that he wants to be held or that he wants more food.  He squeals the entire time he's being fed.  In the time it takes me to bring the spoon from his mouth, to the bowl and back to his mouth, he begins screaming.  Most time he hasn't even had a chance to swallow what is in his mouth, but he still wants more.  When I'm breastfeeding (no I haven't weaned) and pull him off to switch sides, he goes bonkers.

When I put him down on the floor to play, I have to move out of his line of sight.  If he can see me, he refuses to play.  He'll scream at me until I pick him up.  When we sit down for dinner, he joins us in his Bumbo chair, pulled right up to the table.  But instead of being content with this, he begins his screaming... so we either have dinner to the music of his tirade or eat with one hand. (Which is very tricky when eating pizza or burgers).

The most annoying part is that once he gets what he wants, the screaming stops immediately.  I mean, at the very same moment... no wind down cry, no sobbing or rapid breathing.  He is a light switch... from screaming to stillness in 2.2 seconds flat! Which leads me to believe that it's all a show... a big broadway show... He deserves a Tony!

This is my sweet angel baby when he's happy... 

But, it's only a matter of moments before he turns into this angry beast...

Jekyll and Hyde, anyone?

I Need A Vacation

I'm starting to get that itch.  You know the one... when you want to break free from your mundane life and be extraordinary?  That's it.  I'm feeling like I need something more.  More "me time", more romance, more fun and excitement.

Being a mom has been the greatest joy of my life, and I don't want to diminish it's value, but I can't say that that's ALL that I am.  I try to fill up my life with other activities... MOPS, play-dates, visitors, trips to Miami, books, blogs, writing classes, volunteering... I can go on, but I'll spare you.  It's not enough.  I'm feeling BORED.

I am not the type of person who is all about "me time".  I never have.  I don't really like Girl's Night Out's, I'm not about to spend $40 on a mani/pedi, and I think massages hurt.  Also, I'd rather spend my "me time" with my husband... "us time".  If I'm going to spend money, I'd rather spend it together and do something that fills up both our cups.  Unfortunately, "us time" is hard to come by.  We'd have to pre-plan, get a sitter and then figure out somewhere to go. Anywhere but Whole Foods or Chipotle PLEASE!  But we have to do something... and quickly too.  I'm getting stale and worn.  I need to be rejuvenated!

We NEVER take vacations.  Since we live in a different state than our family, our vacation time always consists of going back to see them.  This is NOT a vacation.  It is 2 ridiculously packed weeks filled with obligations and commitments.  (See this post).  The last vacation we took was our honeymoon... and that left a LOT to be desired.

Quick back story:  We went to the Dominican Republic for our honeymoon to an all inclusive hotel.  By day 2, I had developed some kind of food/water poisoning and spent the rest of our trip laying in bed (in the least sexy way) and in the bathroom.  I just couldn't wait to get back to the States.  It was the worst honeymoon in the history of honeymoons!

So, since our last (and only) vacation clearly sucked, I think we deserve to take a 2nd honeymoon... round 2!  Next year we celebrate our 5 year anniversary (already, i know!) and I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if we could go on a romantic vacation... just the two of us.  Now, as a SAHM who makes very little money, and a family of 4 living on 1 income, this is much easier said than done.  But if we save for a WHOLE year... why not?!  And, I'm not asking to go to EUROPE (even though I'd love it)... just on a Caribbean cruise for 5 days.  I think this is TOTALLY doable.

I just feel like I need something to look forward to... even if it is a year away.  I can't handle feeling like all we have to deal with are responsibilities, obligations, commitments, bills, blah blah blah... it makes me feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is VERY far and VERY dim.  We need things to look forward to and be excited about.  If not, then life is just plain ol' boring.  And that's how I'm feeling lately... BORED.

This is where I'd like to be... is that too much to ask?

PS, readers.  Did you know that you could help me make a little extra cash so I can take this vacation?  Yeah, YOU!  I don't advertise on my blog for nothin'!  Do me a favor, and click a bit.  Thanks!

Snow Day

Greenville is snowed in!  This is exciting... for about 5 minutes.  As I've mentioned, as a Florida girl, I'm not fond of the cold weather.
They've been announcing all weekend that it was going to snow on Monday, but I was in denial.  I didn't want to believe it was true.  Snow in Greenville is a rarity.  It usually snows once or twice a year... and honestly, that's once or twice too many for me.  This year, however, it's been more frigid than usual.  It already snowed on Christmas... a real "White Christmas".  We missed this snowfall because we were in Miami experiencing a "Warm Christmas".
The thing about snow in Greenville is that since no one is used to it, everything stops.  They close up all the stores, roll up the streets and hibernate until the snow melts.  So, in preparation for todays snowfall, we went to Whole Foods last night and stocked up on the essentials to last us through the week.  We're probably not going anywhere for a few days.
The good thing is that Mau didn't go to work today!  We were able to wake up late, enjoy some breakfast, play with Marco, nap and relax.  We decided it would be fun to take Marco outside and let him have a go at the snow.  We're so unexperienced at this though... we didn't even have gloves for the poor kid and ended up using socks, which got wet in the first minute outside and were then useless.  It took us 20 minutes to bundle us all up and then we were outside for a total of 10 minutes.
Once outside, the snow reached Marco's knees, so he couldn't walk.  He kept looking at us like, "What is this and what am I supposed to do?".  He didn't try to throw himself in it, or fling it, or lay in it... nothing, just a blank stare.  Maybe he's still a little too young to get it... or maybe we're just not fun enough.  Mauricio bounced him around a bit, but he didn't seem really impressed.  Needless to say, we went back inside, took off our clothes and threw them in the drier with a sense of defeat.
Later we tried again.  We opened the door and bent Marco down to touch the snow, but he turned around and wanted to get back in the house.  Maybe he's a true Floridian at heart too?!

I Discovered a Cure!

I have discovered a cure for Baby Fever.  No joke.  For those of you who have never experienced baby fever before, here are some symptoms:
~Occurring in women mostly.
~Sudden itch to hold a newborn
~Uncontrollable trips to the baby section at Target
~Enviously staring at every pregnant woman's belly
~Secretly choosing favorite girl and boy names

You get the picture.

I got baby fever very quickly after having Marco.  Marco was such a sweet baby and a joy to have, that I thought having a baby was a piece of cake.  I mean, how hard can having 2 really be?

But now, I have been permanently and irrevocably cured of baby fever!  Which is good news, since I have my tubes tied and wouldn't be able to scratch that itch, should I get it again.   The cure is... having a baby with Colic.  Once you have a baby with Colic, you seriously start doubting ever wanting to have another.

Colic is a mystery for everyone.  There are differences of opinions and difference in remedies from everyone I talk to.  Most people think it's just gas, but according to my Triage App, Colic is defined as episodes of excessive unexplained crying, fussiness to agonized screaming.  The frustrating part is the word UNEXPLAINED.  That means, there is absolutely NO reason for the crying, and you wont be able to do anything to stop it.

Jonas has been experiencing Colic for about a month now.  It's making me miserable.  Sometimes he cries for hours at a time.  Sometimes those hours lie in the middle of the night.  We feed him, change him, rock him, sing to him, lay down with him, swaddle him, sway him... NOTHING WORKS!  Granted, sometimes it is discomfort from gas, but after we've given him gas drops, there's really nothing else we can do for him.

Colic is said to last for up to 4 months... but with a premie, it's 4 months from the due date.  Therefore, we could be dealing with this until Jonas is 6 months old.  Shoot me now.

Everyone tells me to be patient because Jonas really is only 4 weeks old, even though he's been around for 13 weeks.  And logically, I can cope with that.  BUT, it doesn't make it any easier.  He's still been here for 13 weeks.  I've still been changing diapers, waking up around the clock, feeding, and nurturing him for 13 weeks... not 4.  And we have yet to get a smile or laugh from him.  I need some rewards for my hard work!  A smile is all I ask!  So far, mothering Jonas has been a lot of hard work and not a lot of fun.  (Wow, this sounds so horrible to say!)

I have read a studied The Happiest Baby on the Block... it's my newborn bible.  The techniques for dealing with a Colicy baby are the 5 S's.  Swaddle-Side/Stomach-Shhh-Swing-Sucking.  This worked wonders with Marco, but has not made a dent in Jonas.  Jonas' fussiness is at a whole new level.
So, experienced Mommas, give me some tips!  I'm begging you!  Help me get through this with my sanity still in tact.  My children (and husband) will thank you too!

Freezing My Florida Butt Off

I'm a Miami girl.  Cuban Caribbean blood runs through these veins.  My ideal setting: Lounging on a chair, palm trees gently waving in the breeze, sun prickling my skin warm, and sipping a mojito while being soothed to the sound of bongo beats.  Can you picture it?

This is not my life.

I never thought I'd live anywhere but Florida.  Moving to Orlando was already a bit of a stretch for me.  It gets relatively cold in Orlando... like lows in the 30's for a few weeks.

The term "White Christmas" does not compute for me.  My Christmases have always been tank tops, flip flops and palm trees.  And I Love It!  But sure, maybe snow ON CHRISTMAS would be ok... but that's it!

We moved to Greenville 2 years ago.  Since the move, winters have gotten a bit easier.  My blood has thickened a little.  But that said, winters are still a HUGE P.I.T.A!  This is what I hate: put on the jacket, gloves, scarf, hat... run to the car and blast the heater... then when you get anywhere, they too have the heat on so it's OFF with the jacket, gloves, scarf and hat.  And you have to do that for EVERY outing.  Not so bad if you're by yourself, but now in my case, multiply that by 3.

Getting a toddler to put his jacket on and keep his hat on is sometimes tricky.  And getting the kids strapped into their car-seats takes madd skillz.  I literally have to squeeeeze Marco into his seat while strapping over his puffy jacket.

This morning it was 18 degrees outside... EIGHTEEN!  What?!  That's way too cold for December.  What's going to happen in January and Febuary... our "cold months"?  I don't even want to know.  As of now, I'm dreaming of warmer weather.  Weather that does not require boots, heaters and layers.  We'll be in Miami in less than 2 weeks to celebrate a "Warm Christmas".  I can not wait!

Here's what my babies look like all bundled up.  So cute... but still a pain.

Oh, and when you Florida friends complain about the "cold weather" you're experiencing... I really want to smack you. You don't know what COLD is.  So please, Zip it!

Grow, Baby- But Let Me Sleep

Jonas is going through a pretty big growth spurt right now.  This is awesome for him!  He was weighed today, and at 8 weeks, he's 5 lbs 2 oz.  He's no longer fitting in his premie wear (primarily due to height) and will only be in premie diapers till we run out.  Yay!  Awesome for him, right?... Utterly exhausting for me!

When Marco went through his first growth spurt, I was told "Turn on Netflix, sit on the couch and feed him for 2-3 days".  Sounds easy... and it wasn't so bad... but that's because it was JUST Marco.  Now, it's 2!  I can't just sit on the couch without rising for 2-3 days to feed Jonas.  I need to feed, change, clothe, play with and attend to my other child to.  And while I do that, Jonas is screaming bloody murder the ENTIRE time!

Jonas gets so worked up while waiting to be fed, that once he gets on the boob, he falls asleep!  So, I pull him off, burp him gently and try to put him down... where upon he wakes up and realizes he's STILL hungry!  It's a vicious cycle.

The worst is at night.  I get so frustrated and angry.  Once I'm sleep deprived, it's not a pretty sight.  Last night, Jonas fed at 11:30, 2:30, 4:00 and 7:00.  He only went longer on the last stretch because he was sleeping in our bed.  By that point, I was a cry baby myself.  As I said, it was not a pretty sight... I threw a tantrum, like a toddler!  Kicking sheets, crying, tossing myself from one side of the bed to the other... the works.  Thankfully, I have an understanding (and amazing) husband who got up and brought him to our bed.  Although my response at that time was, "I don't want Jonas to sleep with us, get him out of here! (REAL mature!).

I am so lucky that Mauricio is willing and eager to get up and take some of the feedings off my hands.  On weekends, we trade off, every other feeding, during the night.  I still have to wake up to pump, but that's only 10 minutes, versus the 30-45 that a normal feeding would take.  During the week, Mau wakes up for the early morning feeding (5:30 or 6am) and lets me sleep in.

Then this morning, when Mauricio got up to feed him in the early am, so I could catch a few more zz's, he made a mistake with grand repercussions.  He tried to microwave Jonas' bottle.  Two problems with this:  1. You NEVER nuke breast milk, and 2. The Dr. Browns bottle apparently couldn't handle the microwave because it got pierced somehow, making it unusable.  He didn't mean to do it, but had morning brain and got confused between Marco's bottle (which we microwave) and Jonas' bottle (which we heat in a glass of hot water).  What are the grand repercussions?  Well, that was the ONLY one we had... so until I get my butt back to the store, I'm flying solo through this growth spurt.

I just have to continue to tell myself these two simple words over and over and pray that I can get through... "It's Temporary"!  This is my LAST baby, and each growth spurt is one of my last ones ever. They say to "enjoy every minute"... but these are some minutes I don't think I'll EVER learn to enjoy.

Parking Lot Melt Down

Having a toddler is hard work.  Having a toddler and an infant is nearly impossible.  Everyone told me it would be hard... and my response has always been, "I know, but it's temporary".  I still believe this, but this "temporary" is probably going to be a bit longer than I anticipated.
Marco is being such a sweet and loving brother... to Jonas.  To me, however, he's being a terror.  I know that this has been a big change for him and that he needs time to adjust.  I have tried giving him his own time, exclusive of Jonas.  I have explained to him, in nice tones, that he has to help Mama and be cooperative.  But, it's not working and I end up wanting to scream my head off.
Today, I was brave.  I got two babies ready, and loaded up into the car (with Mau's help) and we went to MOPS this morning.  It took me 2 hours from the time I woke up to the time I got in the car, but I did it... and was only 5 minutes late!
We saw a DVD of a message by Julie Barnhill, and it was great.  She spoke on being "One Tough Mom". Basically, speaking to moms with children of all ages, saying that we have to take back control.  "Who's the boss"... "I am"!  And, she gave the perfect example of my life... she said, "have you ever talked to your 18 month old and wondered where his mom is and then realized that YOU'RE his mom?"  YES!  This is my life.  Who is this toddler, why is he disobedient, and where is his parent?  Oh, wait, I'm supposed to parent him... but I'm too tired!
She said we have to learn to be consistent.  Once again, I'm too tired to be consistent.  But, when I think of it, and I remember my teaching days... consistency IS KEY!  If I say "no" today, then it must be "no" tomorrow and the day after.  But jeez, sometimes I honestly don't give a rats booty if he touches the "off limits" books.  Sometimes, I could care less if he climbs up on the table.  I'M TOO TIRED TO CARE!  But, for the sake of my parenting and the future battles that I MUST WIN, I have to care.
So, I listen to this awesome message, (and if you get a chance to Youtube her or read her book, you should).  I'm PUMPED UP... as we all are after hearing an encouraging word.  I feel like I can do this... I AM one tough Mama, and Marco had BETTER watch out!
Then we get into the parking lot.  I have Jonas strapped to my chest in the Moby wrap.  I walk Marco to his side of the car and open his door.  He proceeds to THROW himself on the parking lot floor in a fit of rage.  Why?... because HE wants to drive.  He does not want to sit in his car seat, and how dare I even suggest it?!  So, while I have Julie's message running through my head, and all the other MOPS moms eyes on me, I nearly have a melt down in the parking lot.  I wanted to beat my child.
I ended up letting him climb into the car and do as he pleased while I took care of Jonas.  Once Jonas was in and safe, I "took care" of Marco.  I had to grab him and STUFF him into his car seat, all while he's kicking and screaming.  Mauricio tells me I just need to be more patient... but patience seems to be something on high demand but short supply these days.  I WILL NOT pray for patience, because then God will REALLY teach me a lesson.
For now, I've just got to learn a few tricks, try to calm myself down first, remember to stay consistent, learn to say "no" and MEAN it and try to take control and responsibility for my toddler.  Pray for me.

Pumping Power

I'm not one to easily give up.  I will breastfeed Jonas and that's that.  But, right now, being in the NICU and unable to even latch on, I'm unable to breastfeed.  Since I gave birth, I've been pumping around the clock, every 3 hours to produce and store enough milk to feed him while he's in the NICU as well as have a hefty stash at home.
In the last 2, almost 3 weeks, I've gone through over 200 2oz storage bottles, and have brought so much milk into the NICU that they've asked me to stop!  So, since the hospital wont take any more, just have a look at what's become of my freezer!

Those little bottles go all the way to the back and are piled as high as allowable.  Really, will I need this much milk?!  There's no room for food!

So, in order to make more room in my ever shrinking freezer, I've decided to switch to storage bags which can be laid flat and essentially will hold more milk.  Sounds like a win-win, right?  We'll see.  I decided to buy these bags:

These bags impressed me at first.  Look, I can pump directly into them, saving time and cleaning!  But, they are quite difficult to handle.  It's tricky getting the bag secured over the shield and you have to monitor the bag to be sure you don't get bubbles and the milk stays on the top.  When you're done, you have to tear a perforated edge and close a very hard zipper, which I'm sure will be a cinch at 3am.  I would gladly take all of these defects if it does it's job and keeps my freezer looking a little more roomy.  Oh, but I forgot to mention the price... $18.99 for 50 bags.  Let's do a little math here.  If I'm pumping 8 times a day and I have 2 breasts, then I'm going to need 16 bags a day.  Therefore, these bags will last me 3 days!  THREE DAYS!!!  Uhh, those little blue bottles up top are provided free from the hospital.  So, what should I do?  Pay $20 every 3 days to have a more orderly freezer, or become ultra creative with how to store those blue bottles and keep some cash in my pocket?  Oh, life is full of conundrums. 

Now, have I mentioned that I HATE pumping... as in despise it, as in it's my daily torture (or rather 8 times a day torture).  It's tedious, monotonous, boring and lonely.  Not to mention, if it's your first time, super painful!  Pumping is way more painful than breastfeeding.  Think, your infant has an itty-bitty mouth, while this machine is merciless!  

I'm living my life in 3 hour intervals.  Wanna go out?  Sure, but I gotta be home at a certain time to pump... boo.  When you have a newborn, you still live in 3 hour intervals, but at least you're not on house arrest.  If you have to feed your baby, you can do it anywhere!  

Since I am having my pump do the job of a baby, I had to get a hospital grade pump.  The first one I got was this one:

This is the Medela Symphony Double Breast Pump.  I rented it from the hospital and it was $20 a week.  This is the one the hospital provides in their nursing rooms and while you stay with them. It's wonderful!  Very gentle and quiet.  But, I'm cheap... so I only rented it for one week. 

Then I found out that the state provides a free pump to NICU moms in order to encourage breastfeeding.  SWEET!  So I went and got my free pump, which is this one:

This is the Medela Lactina Double Breast Pump.  Not nearly as good as the Symphony.  It takes about twice as long to get the same amount of milk, plus it is not at all gentle or quiet.  See the middle yellow part, that is a pump that moves in and out and creates a loud whooshing sound.  Plus, with this pump, you must pump both breasts simultaneously for it to work... not so with the Symphony.  But hey, it's FREE... and that's the right price for me!



Then, you have all these pump parts to clean every.single.time... and sanitize once a day in a steaming bag.

This is all very tedious! 

2 things that make pumping semi-bearable:

This is the PumpEase Hands Free Pumping Bra.  And it makes my life a whole lot easier.  Now, it's a huge PITA to put it on because there are 6 bra clasps that need to be shut, but once it's on, you're free.  I can read, surf the web, talk on the phone or address Marco's needs, all while pumping!  Thanks to this awesome bra, I'm pumping and blogging right now! 

And the second thing that makes pumping easier, is Netflix Instant.  For a person, like myself, who lives without cable, Netflix is a dream! I probably drive Mau crazy at 3am with my shows, but I gotta do something! 

 I can't understand how some people would CHOOSE to exclusively pump.  Don't they realize that they're doing DOUBLE work!  I can't wait till Jonas is home, so I can just ditch the pump! 

NICU Woes

Having a baby in the NICU is so challenging on every level.  I am physically exhausted, emotionally drained and spiritually grasping.
Having a new baby is exhausting for anyone, and I know that once Jonas finally comes home, I'll probably be more tired than I am now.  But it'll also be more rewarding and yummy!  I'm pumping every 3 hours, around the clock (yes, even in the wee hours of the morning), so I haven't slept for more than 2.5 hour intervals.
Jonas turns 2 weeks tomorrow- two weeks that I've been walking down that same long corridor to get to the NICU- two weeks that I've been washing my hands and ASKING to go see MY child- two weeks that I have to rely on a stranger to tell me how my child is doing, and trusting that this person is not being negligent- two weeks that I only have time and energy to visit twice a day- two weeks that I have had to ASK to hold my child, and always for a limited time.
It's frustrating that Jonas is assigned a new nurse every day and every evening... we've rarely had the same person twice.  Each nurse has his or her own quirks and rules about the way things should be done.  Some don't want you to even TOUCH the baby, while others think it's not only necessary to touch, but also encourage holding and kangarooing.  So, how am I supposed to know who does what?  And why should I be the one to adapt to THEIR quirks?  Some nurses will say that his temperature has to be at 36.2 C in order to be allowed out of his incubator, while others will say 36.5 C... uhh, so which is it EXACTLY?!
Please don't take my complaining as ungratefulness.  I am incredibly grateful that my baby is being WELL taken care of, and I know that all the nurses are fully capable... but I WANT HIM!  I am jealous for him.  No one takes care of a baby as well as a mom... come on now!
Emotionally, this situation has been easier than it was with Marco.  Since it wasn't a surprise, we were expecting him to spend some time in the NICU.  Whereas, Marco's NICU stay was completely unexpected and much more emotional.  However, it still is taking it's toll.  Since I'm physically exhausted, sometimes I can't even imagine going down to the NICU... but then again, I really WANT to.  So, it's a lose-lose situation.  I can go, and be even more exhausted, or I can stay and let the guilt set in that I should be sacrificing MY needs for his.  I know this is all in my mind.  I know that he is being well taken care of and that I need to take care of myself in order to be able to take care of him later... but I'm still guilt ridden whenever I can't make it down to the NICU.  It eats me up!  And I have people asking me if this is post-pardum depression?  I don't think so... I think this is NICU depression.
Spiritually, I am hanging on for dear life.  I can't listen to a song or pray without bursting into tears.  I have to continue to remind myself that God is in control and that His timing is perfect.  It's hard to not ask Him, "Why again?!"... But I know that even with my challenges, it's temporary and it's not as bad as it could be.  God's grace will shine in my life during this time of need... I am weak so that HE can make me strong.
I give a hugemongo hats off to all the NICU parents... especially the ones with babies that are in an incredible amount of need... and the ones that have to be there for months and months on end.  Goodness, listen to my complaints after TWO whole weeks.  For all of you who get to take your healthy babies home... please, love on them, care for them and remember that they are little miracles... so many things could go wrong, but nothing did!