Retired

This may very well be my final breastfeeding post. I am officially permanently retired from breastfeeding. And as expected, it is bitter-sweet.

Breastfeeding has become such a major part of my life as I've been doing it for so long now. Saying I'm "retired" makes me feel like I'm losing a little piece of myself. I started when Marco was born and he weaned on his own after 13 months... Then I had a 2 month vacation and started again for Jonas until now, 12 months later. That means I have been lactating for 27 months total. That's a long time... It's no wonder I feel this way!

I know I probably wasn't going to breastfeed for much longer anyway, but it makes me sad that I wasn't able to allow Jonas to decide when he was done, as I did with Marco. I know Jonas doesn't want to be done, because he lays his head on my chest and whines or sometimes spits out his pacifier and lunges at my boobs. Even though it's funny, it also makes me a bit sad. Unfortunately I had to wean due to the medication I'm starting in about 2 weeks. Basically it's poison, and I don't want my baby to drink poison, so there.

I am happy to be regaining my freedom though. Now I can actually be away from my kids for a whole day, or dare I day, a whole weekend! Hello vacation! I can't wait for the day! I mean, it has also been 27 months since we've been a day without them... That's right, we've never spent a day away from our kids! Crazy right? But I'm sure if we ever get the chance, we'll miss them like crazy. We're sort of attached to them... Because we love them a little, ya know?

But now that I'm done, I have a few concerns... First off my boobs... They're just sad looking. 2 full years of feeding children will do that to ya. They are completely deflated and I've lost a ton of muscle mass. Before having kids I was very blessed in the bosom department. I was sporting DD's. Then after having Marco, things got out of control when I bought a size G nursing bra. Yes, G as in Gigantic. But now? None of my bras fit... I'm swimming in them. I'm not sure because I haven't been sized, but I'm pretty sure were looking for at a B or C. The last time I was that size I was 14. I really don't mind the reduction though... It makes me look thinner, less slutty and my clothes fit nicer, but I do mind the way they look. I'm hoping that after a while I'll regain some volume and they'll start looking nicer. Plastic surgery is out of the question for this Mama.

Another concern is whether or not I'll begin to gain weight now that I'm done. Breastfeeding burns calories. Lots and lots of them. Most of my weight loss I attribute to breastfeeding. You're supposed to eat 500 extra calories a day while breastfeeding to compensate for the output. Now that I'm done, do you think I want to give up those extra 500 calories? Umm, no. So now I'm wondering if I can maintain my weight. And for the record, I have gained some weight and I'm extremely pleased with the way I look at the moment.

Tomorrow Jonas turns 1 and he was completely weaned by last weekend. I can not tell you the sense of accomplishment that I have over the fact that I made it to a year with both my children. It was by no means easy. It was a huge sacrifice with many sleepless night, no dates, sore boobs, leakage, wardrobe malfunctions and public indecency. But man, was it worth every stinkin' second. I know in my heart of hearts that I did the very best for my babies. That I put them above my comfort, my desires an even my health. That their well being was more important than my agenda. I am so proud of myself. I did it!!!

As a reward for my amazing accomplishment, I'm going to be buying 3 super awesome and maybe sexy bras... That actually fit properly. I'm so excited. Make room Victoria's Secret... Here I come!!!