Scary Skinny

For those of you that have known me for a while, you know that I've never been a "skinny girl".  True, I've never been FAT either, but I've always been a little round around the edges.

I was at my heaviest when I was a senior in high school, weighing 160.  I know that for some of you 160 is great, but I am not athletic, so that 160 includes NO muscles... seriously, none.  Then, when I started college, I joined weight watchers and lost 20 pounds safely and healthily.  But, after falling into some health problems which lead to depression, I dropped another 20 pounds by not eating much.  I was weighing 120 and although I looked good, I wasn't healthy.  When my depression subsided, and I fell in love with Mauricio, I gained more weight... pretty much back to my 160.  That's where I was at when I got engaged in September of 2006.

I was determined to lose some weight for my wedding, so I changed some eating habits and was able to lose 20 pounds with no difficulty at all.  Here I am by July of 2007.

I was able to maintain my weight throughout that first year of marriage... yes, I beat the odds!  I was afraid that having children would change my body a lot and that since I had yoyo-ed so much in the past, that I'd have a hard time losing my baby weight.  When I got pregnant with Marco in October 2008, I was weighing 143.  I ate and ate... I gave in to a lot of my cravings (not all though) and still had a very hard time putting on weight during Marco's pregnancy.  By the time I went in to labor, I had only gained 15 pounds.  The day after Marco was born, I was weighing LESS than before I got pregnant.  Most women would be jealous... and I was happy! 

Thanks to breastfeeding, I lost more weight than expected.  I was looking good... my stomach was nice and flat (for the first time ever).  I had to buy new jeans... size 6!  Here I was in February of 2010... I was weighing about 135.  

Then, I got pregnant again.  At my first doctors appointment, I was weighing 133.  Again, I had a hard time gaining weight... but this time because I was still breastfeeding Marco and chasing around a mobile baby.  Although Jonas was born early, I had only gained 4 pounds.  FOUR pounds... and he weighed 3.7.  Um, thats not good.  I was weighing 125, and again had to buy new jeans... this time a size 3.  I have never... and I mean NEVER (like, not even in middle school) worn a size 3.  I was happy I was skinny... even with 2 kids... talk about a hot mama!  Here I was in December.

But then, the weight just kept on dropping.  I was doing more, but I wasn't eating more.  And, I SWEAR I did not do this on purpose... it's like it didn't dawn on me what was happening.  I was breastfeeding a baby, not sleeping enough, chasing a toddler and sharing food.  I was not eating my extra 500 calories for breastfeeding, and I'd be surprised if I was eating anywhere close to the amount of calories I needed.  Before I knew it, I was weighing 118.  My size 3's began to slip.

Then, a few weeks ago, I went to the doctor, stood on the scale and I was weighing a SHOCKING 108.  O.M.G.  That is not right.  I am not a 10 year old.  I should not be weighing that little.  My doctor was not pleased.  He said I needed to eat more... put on weight... stop sharing food... and sadly, stop breastfeeding.  NOOOOOOO!

I was a little apprehensive about that last part.  I knew I had to stop sharing with Marco... and I have.  I knew I needed to eat more... and I've been force feeding myself.  But stop breastfeeding... say it ain't so!
I finally decided that it was necessary when we went in for Jonas' 6 month check up.  He was weighing 7.14 lbs.  At his 4 month appointment, he was 7.0.  That means that in 2 months, he didn't even gain a full pound.  Who's fault could that be?  Who else, but me?  My milk must not be as nutritious and fatty as it needs to be in order to bulk him up.  So, we've started cereal and veggies.  I am beginning to wean, starting by using my stash (which is fatty milk back from when I was heavier) and then switching to... (I can barely say it)... formula.  It makes me sad that I wasn't able to stay healthy enough to breastfeed for a year.  But the truth is, that switching will make us BOTH more healthy.

So, yes, I can totally rock a bikini this summer... but at what cost?

Here I am today... exact weight unknown, but too skinny for sure.