It Takes a Village

Certain people tell us that because we live so far away, we have "no support".  They say that living at a great distance from our family will cause severe relational problems in the future.  They say that they are missing out on the lives of their grandchildren.  It makes me sad to think about these things.  The truth is, we do not want to live so far from our family, and we have absolutely no intention of keeping Greenville as our permanent residence.  For right now, this is where we are, and we have to make due.
But, as for the "no support"... I can not disagree more.  Throughout the last month and a half, throughout my hospitalization, birth, NICU runs, and even now that our baby is home I have been astonished by the amount of support given to us by family, friends, students and neighbors.
As soon as I was hospitalized, my mom booked a flight and was in town the very next day to help take care of Marco.  It was important to me that his daily life was not interrupted or too out of whack because I was missing.  She was here for 17 days and did an amazing job holding down the fort and keeping my son happy.
Once my mom left, my mother-in-law arrived to take over.  She also became Marco's buddy... taking him to the park, to bouncing babies and wherever else he could release some energy.  Throughout her time here, she made sure all I had to worry about was going to the NICU.  She made meals for us everyday and enough to freeze for later meals.  It was delish!
And this week that just passed, my father and step-mom came into town.  They kept Marco entertained so that I could devote more time to Jonas.  They took Jonas from me and forced me to nap!  Vivian cooked and cleaned and did laundry and even took me on a shopping spree!  I was totally spoiled!
Well, that was all family, and although their time here was invaluable to me, it was also sorta expected.  I expect to be able to lean on and rely on my family during my time of need... and boy was this a time of need!  I am grateful they were all able to take days off of work, book flights and come up to be my slave for a few days.
There were 2 weeks in between family visits where we were on our own.  Jonas was still in the NICU, so in order to be able to see him during the day, I had to find a sitter for Marco.  And in order for Mau and I to be able to visit with him in the evenings, again I had to find a sitter.   So, 2 babysitters PER day! I was amazed at how many people offered and where able to take time out of their lives to watch my little boy.  During the day, I had Carol, Brooke, Anne (Carol's mom), and Kim stay with him.  Anne even took the day off of work!  At night, we had Stefania and Leo, my student Anna, and Kim (with baby Sloane).  I was so touched that people came over after being busy all day to sit at our house while we went to the NICU.
Although I appreciate everyone, My MVP babysitter was Kim.  I've only known Kim a few short months, after meeting at the community pool.  We quickly became friends and see each other at bouncing babies, and around the community while she walks her dog.  When she offered to help me, I don't know if she thought I'd really take her up on it.  She came over with her little 9 month old daughter, Sloane, and spent several evenings sitting on my couch while we went to the NICU.  She rearranged her "night time" schedule, to help me.  (Moms, be honest... that "night time schedule" is sacred... would you have rearranged it?  I don't know if I would have.)  When we'd return at 10:30pm, she'd wrap up her sleeping baby and walk back to her apartment.  Then, on the day we were bringing Jonas home, we asked her to watch Marco from 12:30-4... which turned into 12:30-8.  She was super patient and was not even phased by the fact that we were 4 hours late... I, on the other hand, was about to have a nervous breakdown.  Thank you, Kim!  Thank you for teaching me what it is to put others before yourself and for being so kind and generous with your time.
Other kinds of support have been shown to me as well.  For example, my pump rental had run out, and my friend Hannah had read my post about how I was a slave to the pump and had to pump at home because of the size of it.  Well, Hannah, out of the kindness of her heart, offered to lend me her amazingly effective, amazingly small, and amazingly expensive ($400) pump!  The Medela Free Style.  It rocks!
We also received some yummy support.  This is such a southern thing too... it just doesn't happen in Florida.  I have a baby, and everyone wants to bring me food?  Uhh, ok.  I had never realized what a difference having a meal that I didn't have to consider, plan or create made.  Truth be told, I'm not the chef in my house anyway... but still!  Ok, so Mauricio didn't have to worry about cooking... still great!  The ladies from my MOPS group signed up to bring us meals for nearly two weeks while we were still coming and going from the NICU.  It made our lives so much less stressful... just one less thing to worry about.  Cathy brought us some amazing meatball subs, Lynette brought us hibachi grill meals, Rachael brought us two strombolli's, Cindi brought us some homemade pasta, and Jennifer also brought us some delish pasta.  I was so amazed by the generosity of these women!  These are women with families of their own to feed, and children of their own to care for, and here they were preparing and DELIVERING meals to my family!  And they did not skimp!  Each meal was prepared with thoughtfulness and love... they included extras like bread, salad and even dessert!  I mean, seriously!  It was a full service.  I was so humbled by the servitude of these women... that they would spend their precious money, time and energy to help out a family they barely know.  In reality, although these women are in my MOPS group, I do not know any of them.  They all signed up for this, not because they were my friends and felt obligated, but because they are all Christian women who know what it means to serve.
Throughout all of this I have learned a million lessons.  I have learned that we are not alone and that people are always eager to offer their support.  I have learned that our routines can not be as important as other people's needs.  I have learned that a little sacrifice on my end can make the world of a difference on someone elses end.  I am so blessed to have been on the receiving end of this deal.  I pray that I remember the lessons I've learned through other peoples humility, servitude, generosity and kindness.  I hope that I can one day be on the giving end and pass the blessings on to other people who are in need.

A Night at the NICU

In anticipation for a NICU baby's homecoming, it is required that a parent spend the night in the NICU in order to practice keeping your baby.  This seems silly to someone like me, who has a healthy baby, but for parents who need to learn how to care for their babies with medicine, monitors, and other special needs, this time is very valuable.  When we had the sleep over with Marco, I was annoyed and upset... truth be told, I was over-the-top emotional about it!  I felt like it was no longer about the baby proving himself ready, but about me proving how good and capable a parent I am.  At this point, I'm just over it.  I'll do whatever it takes to get him home... even if I have to prove to be the best mom this NICU has ever seen!  I'll do it!
Last night I got the opportunity to spend the night with Jonas.  They put us in a Family Learning Room, which has a futon bed, rocking chair, bathroom... oh, and the baby!  It's no luxury suite, but hey, at least I've got my baby!

The nurses are told to basically leave you alone.  You are supposed to fend for yourself... which is fine by me!  They come in and check on you periodically, but pretty much you're on your own.  

Last night I got here around 7pm.  He was supposed to eat at 9pm, so at that time, I got ready to breastfeed.  He fed for about 10 minutes, and then while burping him, he spit up a great deal.  The nurse came in, helped me change his clothes and told me to give him a bottle instead.  So, he ate 40cc's from the bottle... then while burping him, he had a projectile spit up... ALL over me!  The nurse came back in and re-changed his clothes.  We were debating as to whether or not we should feed him AGAIN, and risk him spitting up yet AGAIN, but while we were changing him, he was rooting for his hands and tried to latch onto the nurses wrist!  So, I offered him the breast again and he drank for 7 minutes before passing out!  By the time it was all said and done, it was 10:30pm!  I couldn't believe it... he had been such a good baby for the 4 weeks he's been here and then within the 3 hours I'm with him, he proves to be problematic!  Just acting up for Mama! 

The nurse then told me to feed him again at 1am... so I set my alarm... and COMPLETELY ignored it!  Yup, Mother Of The Year, right here!  I woke up at 2 instead.  The thing with premie's is that they usually wont wake up when they're hungry.  YOU have to wake them up to tell them that they must be hungry.  By 2am, he was SO ready!  

After that, I was paranoid that I would ignore my alarm again, so I was waking up every 15 minutes or so to check the clock.  How annoying!  Needless to say, I haven't missed another feeding!

So it has been said that he is coming home today.  At 1pm we have our Infant CPR class and then at 4 we have our monitor training.  Since he's still having heart dips (his heart rate will drop momentarily and then return to normal), he'll be coming home with a heart monitor.  He's also on a daily dose of caffeine to keep his heart rate steady.  Like baby speed.  He also has to pass his car seat test- 1 hour in a car seat without having difficulty breathing.  Once all these things have been done, and all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed, we get to have our baby!

I can't wait to have this little bundle in my house... I can't wait to see the way Marco reacts to his baby bro, who's not going away!  Stay tuned... it's about to get interesting! 

And here's one more pic... because I love showing off my babies!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

"Slow and steady wins the race."  I keep telling myself that in anticipation of Jonas' homecoming.  It's not yet, but we can already see the light at the end of the tunnel!  

Today is 1 month from when I was originally admitted to the hospital.  I can't believe it's been so long already!  It's been a very difficult month, but we've learned a lot of life lessons and a huge lesson in patience and faith.  

Throughout the past 3 weeks, it has been startling to me to see just how vastly different a premature baby is from a term baby.  Even Marco, who was also "premature", is extreemly different than Jonas.  Marco was almost "term", and Jonas is still on 34 weeks adjusted.  I mean, everything is different!  The way you handle them, the way you feed them, their capabilities, their alertness... it's all so... premature!  

At first, I felt horrible leaving Jonas in the isolette all day and night without me there.  My original frame of mind was, "he needs his Mama".  Well, he does, but more than that, he needs to sleep!  He is perfectly content to sleep for hours on end in the covered isolette with no stimulation.  In fact, stimulation can actually be a bad thing at this stage!  He gets snuggle time twice a day when I visit in the mornings and evenings, but mostly he's sleeping and growing.  A term baby wants to be held all day long and can have longer periods of awake/stimulated time.  

Another thing that was completely bizarre to me, was the manner in which I have to feed him.  Right now, we're bottle feeding and it is such hard work for him!  At first, he'd get all choked up and couldn't coordinate his breathing with sucking and swallowing.  He'd get all red in the face and begin to gasp!  We've been working on it, and he's getting a hang of it, but it's a slow process.  He hasn't gotten the hang of breastfeeding, and according to the doctors, he probably wont until he's closer to his due date.  A term baby will chug down a bottle or immediatly latch onto a breast a few hours after birth.  It's like as if Jonas has to learn all these things that comes naturally to term babies.  

According to our calculations and timeline, Jonas should be coming home close to November 1st.  The requirements for him to come home are that he is taking 8 bottles a day by mouth and can sustain his temperature in an open crib.  Tonight he should be moving into an open crib, because he's been sustaining well in the isolette for more than 48 hours.  He's also up to 4 bottles a day by mouth.  The other 4 feedings are being tubed.  If he manages his bottles well for 48 hours, they increase 1 bottle a day.  So, from start to finish, 8 bottles would take 16 days.  Since we're on 4, we're half way home... assuming we have no set backs!  

It's a slow process, but so far he's been steady in his progress!  

NICU Woes

Having a baby in the NICU is so challenging on every level.  I am physically exhausted, emotionally drained and spiritually grasping.
Having a new baby is exhausting for anyone, and I know that once Jonas finally comes home, I'll probably be more tired than I am now.  But it'll also be more rewarding and yummy!  I'm pumping every 3 hours, around the clock (yes, even in the wee hours of the morning), so I haven't slept for more than 2.5 hour intervals.
Jonas turns 2 weeks tomorrow- two weeks that I've been walking down that same long corridor to get to the NICU- two weeks that I've been washing my hands and ASKING to go see MY child- two weeks that I have to rely on a stranger to tell me how my child is doing, and trusting that this person is not being negligent- two weeks that I only have time and energy to visit twice a day- two weeks that I have had to ASK to hold my child, and always for a limited time.
It's frustrating that Jonas is assigned a new nurse every day and every evening... we've rarely had the same person twice.  Each nurse has his or her own quirks and rules about the way things should be done.  Some don't want you to even TOUCH the baby, while others think it's not only necessary to touch, but also encourage holding and kangarooing.  So, how am I supposed to know who does what?  And why should I be the one to adapt to THEIR quirks?  Some nurses will say that his temperature has to be at 36.2 C in order to be allowed out of his incubator, while others will say 36.5 C... uhh, so which is it EXACTLY?!
Please don't take my complaining as ungratefulness.  I am incredibly grateful that my baby is being WELL taken care of, and I know that all the nurses are fully capable... but I WANT HIM!  I am jealous for him.  No one takes care of a baby as well as a mom... come on now!
Emotionally, this situation has been easier than it was with Marco.  Since it wasn't a surprise, we were expecting him to spend some time in the NICU.  Whereas, Marco's NICU stay was completely unexpected and much more emotional.  However, it still is taking it's toll.  Since I'm physically exhausted, sometimes I can't even imagine going down to the NICU... but then again, I really WANT to.  So, it's a lose-lose situation.  I can go, and be even more exhausted, or I can stay and let the guilt set in that I should be sacrificing MY needs for his.  I know this is all in my mind.  I know that he is being well taken care of and that I need to take care of myself in order to be able to take care of him later... but I'm still guilt ridden whenever I can't make it down to the NICU.  It eats me up!  And I have people asking me if this is post-pardum depression?  I don't think so... I think this is NICU depression.
Spiritually, I am hanging on for dear life.  I can't listen to a song or pray without bursting into tears.  I have to continue to remind myself that God is in control and that His timing is perfect.  It's hard to not ask Him, "Why again?!"... But I know that even with my challenges, it's temporary and it's not as bad as it could be.  God's grace will shine in my life during this time of need... I am weak so that HE can make me strong.
I give a hugemongo hats off to all the NICU parents... especially the ones with babies that are in an incredible amount of need... and the ones that have to be there for months and months on end.  Goodness, listen to my complaints after TWO whole weeks.  For all of you who get to take your healthy babies home... please, love on them, care for them and remember that they are little miracles... so many things could go wrong, but nothing did!