What I Sing Now

I have told you all in the past that I studied Vocal Performance in college.
To clarify that for non-music people... that's Opera.

Not many people say they studied Opera in college... but I did.  Some may say it's a dying art form, to which I would have to sort of agree (my music colleagues are gasping right now), but really, jobs are scarse.  In fact, of all the people I knew in college, only TWO of them are actually performing in that genre.

I could have continued my education... I was invited to audition at the Manhattan School of Music, and the story of why I didn't end up auditioning will have to be another post because it's too long.  But honestly, I didn't know what I wanted to do.  Jobs are scarse.

So I decided to move into education and become a middle school chorus teacher.  I loved that job.  I never ever wanted to teach, but I learned that I liked teaching after all.  I went from singing Mozart arias to middle-school choral music over night.

And along with teaching, my voice began to deteriorate.  I was singing for about 8 hours a day.  Loudly.  And I was talking for even more than that.  My voice was getting really tired.

So I started taking voice lessons to regain that strength, but at my level, voice lessons were pricey!  Like $80 an hour!  It was way too expensive.

Then I became a mom, quit teaching and my repertoire changed yet again.
These days, all I sing is "Twinkle Twinkle", "ABC's" and "Happy Birthday".

I teach on Saturdays, but I don't really SING.  I listen to kids sing and demonstrate throughout, but I don't SING.

I haven't REALLY sung in YEARS.

And now, I'm terrified.

I'm so vocally out of shape.  I desperately need voice lessons, but I can't afford them.  I would like to take the time to practice, but I can't figure out when... I can't do it while the kids nap because I'm too loud.  I can't do it when they're awake because they want to monopolize the piano and tell me what to sing.

So why does it matter?

Because now, at my job, we are being asked to perform several times a year.
And again... I'm terrified!

What if I go up there and suck it up... and then people are like "THAT girl is teaching MY kid?".  And guess what?  I can't go up there and sing "You Are My Sunshine" (my specialty) ... I'm gonna have to sing Mozart!  And I haven't sung that in at least 7 years.

You guys, I'm scared.
Maybe this is the push I need.
But I'm still scared.

Oh and, I just found out that I'm the oldest and most experienced voice teacher at my job.  That just adds more pressure.

(I wanna cry)

A 3 Year Old Roller-coaster

Source: someecards.com via Nicole on Pinterest

3 Year Olds.
Holy Hell.

1 is fun.  Toddler is exploring, watching, imitating, loving and sweet.
2 is a bit more challenging.  Child is growing, testing, learning, following, loving and sweet.
3 is a freaking roller-coaster that I didn't want to board.

This roller-coaster has it's ups...
We're playing together, reading or coloring.
We're talking or singing or dancing.
He's being obedient, cooperative and helpful.

Then it has it's downs...
Whining. (Did he forget how to just talk?)
Melt downs.
Kicking and screaming.
Fighting.
Laying face down on the floor.
Talking back.

OMG... where is my sweet yet challenging 2 year old?!
He's only been 3 for a month and a half!  I'm afraid to see what the rest of this year has in store!

The other day, I was on a Mommy&Marco date when he began acting up at the restaurant.  "Ewww, I don't liiiiiiiiiike it".  And hiding under the table.

I start getting upset.  This is not the way I envisioned our date to play out.  So I begin to discipline.  "Marco, if you don't get into your seat right now, we're gonna have a problem".  Then the counting.  "Don't make me say 3... 1... 2..." and he sat.  Whew.
Then a lady who was watching me actually COMPLIMENTED me on my disciplining methods.  Here I felt like I was grasping at straws, doing anything within my power not to rain down fury on my son in public, and someone was impressed by my madness!
So what did I learn from that?
3 is going to be a challenge.  Even bigger than 2.  2 is just prep work for 3.
And as the primary disciplining parent, I have to bring my A game ALL THE TIME.
Consistency is key.

He may have his roller-coaster of emotions... half the time he doesn't even know why he's melting down... he seems like a hormonal teenaged girl!  But I have to remain the same.
I can't climb on that roller-coaster with him.
The rules are the rules ALL THE TIME.
If I count to 3, then I HAVE to follow through... every single time.

It's exhausting, but if I want my son to see 4, it must be done.  For both our sakes!

Buying a House in Miami

There are several very difficult aspects of buying a house in Miami.
#1. Finding a realtor that works with you and for you.
#2. Finding a home in Miami that is not either a million dollars or torn up and destroyed... or both!
#3. Location, location, location.  Good luck finding a good location.
#4. The monopoly that is insurance.
#5. Trust no one

Let's look into this more closely...
#1
We went through 4 realtors in 6 months.  FOUR.  FOUR!  Is that not absurd?!
The first told me that she had a lot of things going on in her private life and didn't have the time to work with us in the manner in which we wanted to work.
The second took us out once and then stopped returning our phone calls and emails... that's good business... very professional.
The third took us out once also but then was going on vacation and doing a bunch of other things and basically couldn't take us out again for some time.
FINALLY, the fourth saw us through all the way, but we still didn't like her.  She weighed us down with every single problem or bump in the road.  She bullied us into using HER lender (we didn't), HER contractor (we didn't), HER insurance agent (we did), and HER inspector (we did).  We are convinced that she gets a cut from each of her contacts.  But alas, finally, finally, finally, she worked out for us... and her payoff was sweet, I'm sure.

#2
Miami is ridiculous.  The crappiest home is overpriced.  When people are shortsaling or foreclosing, they literally TRASH their house.  It's horrible.  It gives you such a jaded view of what the people in this city are really like.  And seriously, the prices!  Unless everyone is either a doctor or lawyer, HOW do they afford it?!  Oh yeah, they're in debt to their eyeballs!
Not only that, but when you're looking for a house in Miami, you have to move FAST!  Like, if the listing has been on the market for even ONE day, it's usually gone already.  Why?  Because there are tons of investors who come from South America with lots and lots of CASH.  And they can outbid and out buy you any day.  A bank will take their cash offer over your financed one in a heartbeat.  Even though, these properties are usually either going to be rentals or flipped, the bank would rather get it off their hands pronto.  So, that's why we couldn't wait for realtor #1 or #3 to get their personal lives in order... every day that passed, we were missing out on opportunities!
Also, shady things go on... one time we were sent to a house that hadn't even hit the market yet.  It was GOING to be on the market later that week but we were getting first dibs at it.  We, along with like 20 other couples were going to see the house in the same hour.  It was so shady and it felt wrong.  Like we were cheating the system... we didn't feel right about it and didn't put an offer down.  But if everyone is doing that... going to see and put offers of homes that are not even out yet, then how does that give equal buying power to everyone!?  It doesn't!

#3
Miami locations.  You'd have to live here to really understand.  But basically, you can cross the street and be in the ghetto or cross another street and be in little Cuba or cross another street and be in the richest area in the city.
Our only qualifications for location was to either be close to US1(yellow line on right, also called South Dixie Hwy), the Palmetto (Orange line in middle), the Turnpike (Another orange line to the left) or Krome (Last street to the left before going into the green which is the Everglades).  Mauricio works up North in a city named Hialeah... and there is NO WAY on God's green Earth I was going to be living there.

Click to enlarge

But you see, I didn't really want to live off of Krome because it's so far west that you can have alligators roaming your backyard (I exaggerate, but it is practically the Everglades) and to go anywhere at all, you'd have to battle traffic moving East.  It's horrible.
I didn't really want to live off of the Palmetto, because the further North you get, the more hispanic you get... and I'm hispanic.  But look, I don't want to shop at the Publix called SABROSO.  Ew, gross.
I didn't mind living off the Turnpike so long as it wasn't in Doral.  But the prices were very high.
My number one choice was US1.  And thankfully, that's what we got.
Miami is so tricky with locations.  Once we saw a lovely old home in what we thought was a good area, then we turned the corner and we were scared of being in the middle of a gang deal.  So you've got to be really careful and really persistant.

#4
When you're financing a house, you need to get homeowners insurance.  The bank will not approve your loan without it.  And really, being in Florida, aka hurricane country, NOT having insurance is NOT an option.  The problem with the insurance situation, specifically in Miami, is that there is only ONE company that offers coverage.  ONE.  That's it.  How that's even allowed, I don't know?  Isn't that the very definition of a monopoly?  Every other insurance company has pulled out of the city for one of two reasons... the risk is too high with the constant hurricanes, OR the fraud.  Miami is completely corrupt.  So there is ONE company that still offers... but they also have the ability to charge whatever they desire... and because there is no competitor, we have no other option but to accept and pay it.  The price gauging is over the top.  And there is nothing we can do about it.  How is this fair?  How does no one do anything about this?  We paid over $6000 for insurance this year.  Hello, isn't that a bit much?! Yikes.

#5
This leads me to my final point.  Trust no one.  Not your realtor, not your lender, not your inspector... no one.  Like I said, Miami is corrupt.  As previously stated in point #2, shady things are happening all the time.  It's dog eat dog.  Realtors are bullies, trying to get you to buy their own listings so that they reap both commissions.  Sellers are ripping out floors and stealing light fixtures just because they're angry that they had to foreclose due to their poor judgement and decisions.  Inspectors and working on the side with contractors to say you need more work done than you actually do need.  Insurance companies are charging higher than ever because people take advantage of the smallest storm to renovate their kitchen with granite countertops and stainless steel appliances for FREE.  Everyone is trying to suck every last penny out of your bank account... and they will if you let them!

I pray I never have to buy another house in this retched city.  And if you're thinking about moving to Miami... think again.

When Will We Learn?!

So back in November, Mauricio and I bought a pair of iPhone 4s's.  They were beautiful... pristine.  I even wrote a post about how excited I was to have this new gadget.

We, like most parents, have found that when your child is on the verge of a melt down, handing them the iPhone will usually curve it.  All of a sudden they have something new, shiny and entertaining in their hands and all is right in the world.  This works especially well in restaurants, doctors offices or anywhere else they're expected to be still and quiet for an extended period.

We knew it was risky letting them have the phone... but was it a risk worth taking?  Probably not.

Earlier last month we went to Disney World.  As we were checking into the hotel, the boys began squirming in their stroller and trying to get out.  They were being very loud and rude while we were trying to make our arrangements.  So Mauricio relied on Old Faithful, and handed Marco the phone.  My in-laws arrived at the hotel and Marco was released from the confines of the stroller... still with phone in hand.  While we were all busy making our preparations, no one had noticed that Marco had placed the phone down on the counter and walked away.  Within 5 minutes, the phone had vanished!  We talked to every security person, made a claim, watched security cameras and tried to track it, but alas, it was gone.

Now, while we want to blame Marco, we really can't.  When we're home, if he puts something down, he can trust that it'll be there when he returns for it.  He's only two after all!  Bottom line, it was our fault.  We shouldn't have trusted him with it.

Mauricio still has not replaced the phone because it would cost him over $600 for a new one due to the fact that we're not due for an upgrade for some time.

Fast forward to today.  We had a play date with friends and afterward we all headed to a pizza restaurant for lunch.  There were 8 kids and 4 moms.  Whew.  So as the clock starts ticking, Jonas begins getting tired and fussy.  He's standing up in his high chair, throwing forks, tossing his cup... just acting up.  So I rely on Old Faithful.  I hand Jonas my phone and it calms the storm.  We're having lunch and everything is fine until Jonas decides that the phone is no longer entertaining enough and he throws it on the floor.  I have a case, but it's obviously not baby proof.  I picked it up and wanted to cry.

Shattered.
Completely shattered.

But really, I can't blame Jonas.  It's MY fault.  I didn't need to give it to him.  I could have packed his pacifier and a toy and laid him down instead.  I could  have packed him a book or a toy.  He's only 19 months old after all!  I shouldn't have trusted him with it.

So I'm heading to the Apple Store Genius Bar later this evening to see if there is anything they can do for me.  I am buying a huge case and I'm going to break my kids of this habit.  Ugh.

It's only appropriate that Marco would lose Mauricio's phone and then Jonas would break mine.  We're all even-Stevens.  Now Mauricio can't be mad at me or else he'd be the Pot and I'd be the Kettle.  We're 1 and 1.  When will we learn?!

Wearing Me Down

Alright guys.  I know you've read post after post about how I must win over my kids.  About how they have to be reared now in order for me to have the upper hand in the future.  About sticking to my game plan.

But guess what?  I'm tired.  Really, really tired.

Nearly every night either Marco or Jonas is waking up and making our lives unbearable.  For Marco, usually it's around 2:30.  He sneaks into my room and wants to come into bed with us.  The game plan was to walk him back to his bed and tuck him in without saying a word.  No "go night-night", no "MARCO!", no anything... just silence.  Kinda like a zombie... a very tired zombie.  But what I didn't anticipate was that this kid would have more endurance than me!  We went through this routine for 2 hours the other night.  From 2:30 to almost 5.  I was done... done.

When he does this for 2-3 days in a row, that's it, I'm completely exhausted.  At that point I don't even care about our stupid "game plan".  Screw the "game plan", I'll do anything for more sleep.  By the third night, I just sent Mauricio to sleep with him so we could all get some rest.  Marco-1, Us-0.  He got his way... he won that battle.

The worst is if he wakes up Jonas in all this mess.  Then we've really lost.  It's incredibly difficult to get TWO babies back to sleep.  So in this case, we divide and conquer deal with it.  I take Jonas and try to get him to sleep in my bed, while Mau goes to bed with Marco.  Again, Kids-1, Us-0.

But sometimes Jonas wakes up on his own, and for no apparent reason.  When this happens, the situation is controllable and bearable because it's just him.  We always rush into his room and scoop him up before he wakes up Marco.  If he wakes Marco, all bets are off.  Usually we can get him back to sleep pretty easily... but in our bed.

So it's a good night when we go 8-10 hours with no one crying, no one sneaking into our bed, and no one waking up in the bed that's not theirs.  But, unfortunately, this only happens 2-3 nights a week.  I'm starting to develop anxiety before bed time because I know it's just a matter of time before someone starts whimpering or climbing out of their beds.  I've got a good 3 hours of sleep before the most annoying wake up call begins to scream.

Truth is, I have no desire to parent from 11pm-8am.  I don't want to do it.  But I have to.  Guys, I'm at a loss here... I don't know how we're going to do it... how we're going to survive this.  It might possibly be worse than having a newborn... because at least a newborn has a reason to be waking up!  But Marco and Jonas have NO good reason, other than brattiness.

Readers:  I need help.  A word of advice.  A word of encouragement.  Many words of prayer.  Please?

Scared Me to Death

On Saturday I experienced my first REAL scare of motherhood.  I've already had plenty of scares... Jonas' birth situation, a fender bender when Marco was 2 months old, Jonas falling off a chair... but NOTHING like this.

We were getting ready to go out and celebrate my in-laws' birthdays.  Everyone was home... my in-laws were in their room getting ready, Mauricio was in the bathroom, Mirella and Alfredo were playing with Jonas in the living room and I was primping.  All of a sudden, I think, "hm, where's Marco?"  So I walk to the living room and notice that just Jonas is there.  Then I ask Mau if he'd seen him... no.  Oh, well then he's got to be in the room with my in-laws, watching Gabba or Barney, right?  I knocked on the door and my father-in-law answered... "Hey, Marco's in there with you, right".  "No".  But he's a kidder, so I gave him a face.  And he replied dead serious, "Nicole, he's not here with us".  Ok, at that point, I freaked.

We start screaming, "Marco!" and we notice that the front door is closed but unlocked.  So Mauricio runs outside screaming his name.  A neighbor from the cul-de-sac comes by and says "oh, that's your little boy?  I saw him over there, and there was no adult around... I didn't know who he belonged to".  Where is over there?  ACROSS THE STREET!!!  The house across the busy street had a toy car wagon sitting on the porch and Marco had wandered over there to go check it out.

I'm standing in my driveway to take this picture.  See the house behind the stop sign with the blue car parked outside?  THAT'S WHERE HE WAS!!!  Hello!?  That's far!  How long was he out there alone?  To wander a bit... spot the toy... walk across the street.  O.M.G!

When Mauricio got hold of him, he spanked him, right there in the street.  Then he spanked him again when we got home... with no pants.  Then he went on time-out... a looooong one.  Then we had a real stern talk with him.

All the while I was hysterical... bawling.  Thinking of all the things that COULD have happened to him!  He could have wandered into the back yard and gotten into the pool... he could have gotten hit by a car backing up, or hit by one on the street... he could have been harmed by a stray dog... he could have been taken!  My heart was simply shattered!  Thank the Lord Jesus that He was protecting my baby from harm... and all that really happend was a big scare!

We kept telling him that he always has to be able to see Mama or Papai.  If not, he's gonna go away and never see us again!  I don't know if he really understood, but he was crying a lot.  I think he was worried because I was crying so much and he never sees me cry.  So much for my brainwashing with Nemo... wasn't quite as effective as I thought.  But I'm not giving up... every chance I get I'm drilling that into his head.

Now, we make sure that the chain is always on the door.  Whenever someone leaves, I make sure to get up and chain the door.  We have to be diligent about it to ensure that this wont happen again.

I have never been so scared in my life!  But God is GOOD!

Being a Mom with RA

I've been wanting to write this post for a very long time... but it's something I had to wrap my head around and decide exactly what to write and how much to divulge.  So I decided to divulge everything... full transparency... even in those places I'm most complexed about.

I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis for over 10 years now.  I was diagnosed at 17, after having unexplained joint pain that was debilitating.  Before being diagnosed, there were days I couldn't stand up from being on the floor, or close my car door.  I didn't understand what was going on, but I knew it was severe.  After learning of my disease, I began to take action, but for the first few years nothing really seemed to work.  My pain was so extreme that by the time I was 19 I could barely walk.  I couldn't climb stairs, I couldn't wash my hair, I couldn't get up off the toilet.  It was the hardest time in my life.  I was a young woman with my whole life ahead of me, and yet I felt like I was trapped in the body of a dying 90 year old.  I fell into a deep depression and turned to things I am not proud of.

Then I found a medication that finally started working for me... Enbrel.  After taking my first dose, I immediately felt a difference.  Shortly thereafter Mauricio and I became involved and then I graduated college and decided to move out.  Only a few years before I thought I would never have a job, have a boyfriend, be independent... and then I was doing it!

After getting married, I began researching the affects of my medication while pregnant or nursing.  We knew we wanted to have kids and the way I saw it was, I'm as strong now as I'm ever gonna be, and I'm not getting any younger, so let's do this!  I learned that although Enbrel was a class B drug and mildly safe to take during pregnancy, it's counterpart, Methotrexate was not.  Enbrel and Methotrexate work hand-in-hand to attack the disease and the inflammation.  They really are super drugs... but in pregnancy, they really are super dangerous drugs.  In fact, Methotrexate is also commonly given to terminate a pregnancy when there is a problem, such as a tubal pregnancy or a chromosomal disorder.  There was no way I could safely take these drugs and have a baby.  I wasn't even going to risk it with taking just Enbrel, because seeing as it's a relatively new drug, new tests and research are coming out daily.  And, I just learned yesterday that they have recently linked women taking Enbrel while pregnant to children with Lymphoma.  HOLY COW! So glad I trusted my instincts!

So, in October of 2008, I took my last dose of RA medication.  I trusted God to reduce my pains and get me through.  It's also known that RA goes into remission during pregnancy.  There is no pain... but the disease is still active and causing damage.  I got pregnant that month and felt fine.  My RA stiffness and pain didn't return until roughly 6 months after Marco was born.  At that time, I  made an appointment to see a Rheumatologist, but it took so long to get me in, that by the time my appointment came along, I was pregnant again!  So, I didn't get back on meds.  And I'm still not on any meds... 11 months post pardum.  That's 35 months with NO RA MEDICATION!  Amazing!  God is so good.

But now it's time for me to get back to business.  This disease has been super active during my hiatus and has caused irreversible damage.  At this point, the only way to have "normalcy" is through surgery.  I'm not ready for that yet, but I know it's in my future.  Let me show you some of my most obvious damage:

Here we have some pictures of my hands.  That's as much as I can open them.  As you can see, the left one is FAR worse than the right.  (the pics were taken on my computer, so your left is also my left... like a mirror).  I have trouble typing... every time I type the T, my middle finger touches the 4... DANG IT!  I have trouble playing the piano... with the left hand I usually just play root notes.  I can't open ANYTHING... sippy cups are my nemesis!  Changing diapers takes forever.  Please tell me why baby clothes have to have so many blasted snaps?!  And car seats?  Oh, my... I can only open ONE kind of car seat clicker... and thankfully they make it in infant and toddler sized seats.  It's the Graco one that you push down instead of pushing in.  But even that, I need to use two hands.

My mouth can not close in the front.  Notice in this picture... my molars are touching, but my front teeth are not.  That's because the joint that connects your jaw (by your ear) has disolved.  It's gone.  Thus, it has moved my bottom jaw back and created a gap in the front.  My face has changed COMPLETELY from before I had RA.  The shape is drastically different.  (one day I'll do a before and after picture).  Although you may think, ah, that's silly, believe me... you want your front teeth to close.  You know how difficult it is to eat pizza?  or a sandwich?  Tomatos slide right out of my teeth.  Also, I'm afraid that since my top teeth never have any pressure on them and aren't used, eventually they'll die.  That'll be a sight!

Here's a picture of one of my feet.  All the toes are crunched and shifted outward.  I also have a nodule on the outside of my foot that has grown to compensate for my weak ankles that shift my weight to that side.  I have already had that nodule removed... and it grew back in less than a year.  I am unable to wear any kind of heals... not even a wedge.  I mostly wear flip flops because they don't constrict my toes and offer me the most comfort, although they do not offer any support.  I am fearful that my feet will be my biggest challenge, obstacle and problem.  When your feet hurt, your whole body hurts... you just can't function.  I'm afraid that one day I'm just not going to be able to walk anymore. 

Living with RA has been the biggest challenge of my life.  Being in constant pain and seeing your own body transformed with nothing you can do about it is a horrible feeling.  I have always strived to not let anything hold me down.  I do not want to be defined by my disease.  I did not want my disease to dictate whether or not I had children.  And now, I do not want my disease to dictate whether or not I can play with my kids, or take them to the park, or take them to Disney World.

I WILL do everything a "normal mom" does.  I WILL change all their diapers. I WILL change all their clothes. I WILL put them in and take them out of the car seat.  I WILL put the stroller in my car.  I WILL take them to play dates.  I WILL get on the floor with them to play.  I WILL do the hokey-pokey.  All these things, that for "normal moms" come easy, for me is not so easy... for me, it's a daily challenge.  But for me, I know that my strength comes from the Lord.  There is not a doubt in my mind or heart that HE is the only one that makes what I do possible.  How can I not be amazed at his grace, when I look at myself and I KNOW that I shouldn't be able to do these things... but I do, and I do them well.  Only by Him.

Bringing Down the Hammer

I really need help.  If you're a parent of a toddler, please, give me a word of advice or encouragement... anything!

I'm having a hard time reeling Marco in since we moved to Miami.  I don't know if it's the change of environment or living at my in-laws house, but he's becoming majorly defiant and unruly.  He pretty much takes my "no" as a suggestion and usually does whatever he wants instead.  It's hard for me to always be hands on with him because more often than not, my hands are tied up with Jonas.

When I call his attention, "MARCO", he responds with an equally loud and demanding, "MAMA".  This is unacceptable.  He also swats at me, as if threatening to hit me.  Again, unacceptable.  I feel like spanking him for hitting is counter productive and honestly, it doesn't even faze him.  Because of my arthritis, I can't hit him hard enough to make any kind of an impact.  He doesn't care at all.  And speaking as honestly as possible, when he hits me, I want to go nuts on him... I hold myself back, obviously.

Yesterday we had lunch with a friend who also has 2 boys the exact same ages as Marco and Jonas.  Her 2 year old was seated calmly in a booster chair, eating with a fork and drinking from a regular cup.  Marco... not so much.  He threw his plate... twice.  He threw his cup once.  He hit at me.  He peed in his chair (I'm convinced on purpose).  I ended up having to put him in a high chair to restrain him.  He was acting like an animal.  I was so embarrassed and I honestly didn't know how to handle the situation.  I told him nicely to calm down.  I told him harshly.  I grabbed his face.  I pinched him.  I spanked him.  NOTHING WORKED!

My fear is that he's gonna continue to defy me and disregard my authority and I'm gonna have to call Nanny 911!  haha.  No, but seriously... we're going through a really rough patch here.  I'm beginning to feel worn down, dealing with this 24/7.  My dad says we need to be super consistant... and I agree.  I remember from my teaching days, that consistency was key.  But jeez, is it exhausting!  Sometimes I wanna lay on the couch and put up my white flag... I SURRENDER, do whatever you want.  But I know I have to win these daily battles now or else deal with the consequences later.

Teach me how you "bring down the hammer" in your home?  And, if you don't have advice for me... then just pray!  haha... for real.

Jonas and Hyde

Remember when I was constantly complaining about Jonas crying and wanting to be held?  Well, that was about 6 months ago and he was only 3 months old... that's completely forgivable.  What is NOT forgivable, is my almost NINE month old STILL constantly crying and wanting to be held!!!

Jonas is such a sweet and beautiful boy.  When he's in a good mood and happy, he fills the room with joy... we're all happy when Jonas is happy.  But, when he's in a bad mood, the exact opposite happens... when Jonas is unhappy, we're ALL unhappy.

Jonas has learned that the most effective way of getting what he wants is to scream at the top of his lungs... not cry... SCREAM!  We've tried ignoring, but he is a very persistant boy... he wont stop... no matter how long you wait it out.

His biggest complaints are that he wants to be held or that he wants more food.  He squeals the entire time he's being fed.  In the time it takes me to bring the spoon from his mouth, to the bowl and back to his mouth, he begins screaming.  Most time he hasn't even had a chance to swallow what is in his mouth, but he still wants more.  When I'm breastfeeding (no I haven't weaned) and pull him off to switch sides, he goes bonkers.

When I put him down on the floor to play, I have to move out of his line of sight.  If he can see me, he refuses to play.  He'll scream at me until I pick him up.  When we sit down for dinner, he joins us in his Bumbo chair, pulled right up to the table.  But instead of being content with this, he begins his screaming... so we either have dinner to the music of his tirade or eat with one hand. (Which is very tricky when eating pizza or burgers).

The most annoying part is that once he gets what he wants, the screaming stops immediately.  I mean, at the very same moment... no wind down cry, no sobbing or rapid breathing.  He is a light switch... from screaming to stillness in 2.2 seconds flat! Which leads me to believe that it's all a show... a big broadway show... He deserves a Tony!

This is my sweet angel baby when he's happy... 

But, it's only a matter of moments before he turns into this angry beast...

Jekyll and Hyde, anyone?

Sick & Needy

One is sick, the other is needy.  Well, really both of them are needy.

As you read in my last post, I was sick last week.  This was the worst... or so I thought, until my little darling angel-faced baby Marco got sick.  I passed on my evil stomachache-y germs to him and now he's got it bad.

It all started on Sunday, when he had some stomach discomfort, with stinky burps and other nasty stuff coming out of another end, which led to diaper rash.  Great.  So, changing time was a joy with a wiggle worm who was screaming his head off!

Then yesterday, he was very moping, not playing, wanting to be held all day, etc.  I have NEVER seen Marco act this way.  Even with all the ear infections and little colds, he's never been knocked down.  In the past, he has always wiped his nose with his hand (all over his face and hair) and continued to play.  This is how I know he is truly sick.

Last night, he refused to eat anything, and had a very high fever.  Even after a warm bath, his fever was still 103.3!  We gave him tylenol and it broke, but was back up once the dose was up.

This morning, he continued to be ño ño with a touch of mamitis... for those of you who do not know what either of those symptoms are, let me explain:  Ño ño is when a child is whimpery, whiney and clingy.  Mamitis is when a child wants nothing but their mom... it's like saying "Mom-itis".  He has these above mentioned symptoms so bad that he made me hold him WHILE I was breastfeeding Jonas!  Picture, Marco laying on my lap and Jonas laying on top of Marco, eating.  In essence, Marco was my Boppy pillow.  So, with these symtoms at hand, plus a diaper full of diarrhea, and a fever that would not quit, we decided to head out to the pediatrician.

At the pediatrician, they took his temp and it was at 104!  Holy cow!  While I was force feeding him some tylenol, he proceded to vomit ALL over me, himself and the floor.  It was a huge mess.  Thankfully I had taken off my hoodie to make a pillow for him in the stroller, so I could just wear that instead of my sopping wet shirt.  If you notice from the picture above, Marco is sporting the robe given to him at the doctors, since his shirt was also soaked.

He was tested for the flu, and praise God, it isn't that!  But the doctor just told us to keep him hydrated, not to worry about food, let him rest and don't worry about the fever unless it's around 106.  (That seems crazy high to me, but ok).  The entire time we were at the doctors office, my needy sweet son, Jonas was screaming his head off.  The poor doctor could barely concentrate enough to give me those simple instructions.

When we got back to the house, it was CrapFest 2011.  To spare you all the gross details, lets just say, I have never picked up so much crap before in my life.  We ended up sticking Marco in the shower for 2 reasons... 1. His fever was still at 103 and 2. He could crap in there all he wanted.  But, I'm a smart one... and I decided to stick all the crapped and vomited on clothes in the washer with hot water.  I wasn't thinking that this is the very SAME water that runs to the shower.  When I got back to the bathroom, Marco was sitting in a cold shower.  Duh.  Poor baby.  We grabbed him out, proceded to try and dress him, while dodging even MORE crap, and finally, finally got him in his crib for a nap.

After experiencing having one of my children sick, I will never say that my being sick sucks again.  This is physically and emotionally draining.  My heart breaks for my little boy with each whimper he makes.

Now I'm just praying that this bypasses Jonas.  Since he's exclusively breastfed, I don't know what we'd do.  It's not like he has any weight to lose... you know, he is a whopping 7 pounds!  Please pray along with me that my family gets healthy soon, so that I can have 2 healthy and needy babies!

Working 24/7

There are so many perks to being a stay-at-home mom.  You get to see your children grow and learn and you don't miss much that goes on.  However, it is a 24/7 kind of job.  Most jobs are 40 hours a week... 9-5, Monday-Friday.  Not being a SAHM!

Your babies don't know its a Saturday and it's customary to sleep in on weekends!  (I don't know why they didn't get the memo).  Their diapers still need to be changed and their mouths still need to be fed.  Your babies don't know your on vacation and would like to enjoy care-free days a little more.  They're still calling out for "MAMA"!  Your babies don't know that you are sick.  They still want to be swung, played with, picked up and tickled.

No weekends.  No vacation days.  Worst of all... No sick days.

I've been sick for the last 2 days.  The stomach bug.  Not fun.  I have such a weak stomach... I get it at least once a year.  This bug has hit me so hard, and I'm so weak, that I can't even stand long enough to change a diaper.  Luckily, I have the most AMAZING husband in the world, and he makes huge sacrifices to help me out.

It wasn't always like this though.  Last year when I got my annual stomach bug, Marco was 7 months old and required a lot of attention (or so I thought it was a lot... until he became a toddler!).  I couldn't keep up with him, and every time I stood up, I had to rush to the bathroom.  I called Mau to tell him I needed help and he said he couldn't come... I would have to suck it up.  That was one of the worst days ever.  It wasn't until about a month later when we BOTH came down with food poisoning, that he realized how hard it was to care for a baby while be in the bathroom all day long.  He admitted that he couldn't handle it and now he saw why I needed help.

So this time around, he has been a-ma-zing!  Yesterday was the worst.  I could barely stay awake and within the first half hour of trying to care for both kids, I was failing big time.  He came home from work and stayed with the kids till nap time so I could sleep.  I woke up for the day once Marco woke up from his nap... at 4pm!  I really needed that sleep!  Once Mau got home from work, he cooked and fed Marco, bathed him and put him to bed... all while I sat on the couch.

Today, he's had to make up some of the hours he missed yesterday, but he still came home to change Marco's stinky diaper for me AND once again to feed him lunch.  Of course, these are the perks from his work being across the street from our house.  I am so grateful that God has given me this loving and sacrificial man to be my husband.

Now, if only I could feel better before the weekend starts, that'd be great!

I Discovered a Cure!

I have discovered a cure for Baby Fever.  No joke.  For those of you who have never experienced baby fever before, here are some symptoms:
~Occurring in women mostly.
~Sudden itch to hold a newborn
~Uncontrollable trips to the baby section at Target
~Enviously staring at every pregnant woman's belly
~Secretly choosing favorite girl and boy names

You get the picture.

I got baby fever very quickly after having Marco.  Marco was such a sweet baby and a joy to have, that I thought having a baby was a piece of cake.  I mean, how hard can having 2 really be?

But now, I have been permanently and irrevocably cured of baby fever!  Which is good news, since I have my tubes tied and wouldn't be able to scratch that itch, should I get it again.   The cure is... having a baby with Colic.  Once you have a baby with Colic, you seriously start doubting ever wanting to have another.

Colic is a mystery for everyone.  There are differences of opinions and difference in remedies from everyone I talk to.  Most people think it's just gas, but according to my Triage App, Colic is defined as episodes of excessive unexplained crying, fussiness to agonized screaming.  The frustrating part is the word UNEXPLAINED.  That means, there is absolutely NO reason for the crying, and you wont be able to do anything to stop it.

Jonas has been experiencing Colic for about a month now.  It's making me miserable.  Sometimes he cries for hours at a time.  Sometimes those hours lie in the middle of the night.  We feed him, change him, rock him, sing to him, lay down with him, swaddle him, sway him... NOTHING WORKS!  Granted, sometimes it is discomfort from gas, but after we've given him gas drops, there's really nothing else we can do for him.

Colic is said to last for up to 4 months... but with a premie, it's 4 months from the due date.  Therefore, we could be dealing with this until Jonas is 6 months old.  Shoot me now.

Everyone tells me to be patient because Jonas really is only 4 weeks old, even though he's been around for 13 weeks.  And logically, I can cope with that.  BUT, it doesn't make it any easier.  He's still been here for 13 weeks.  I've still been changing diapers, waking up around the clock, feeding, and nurturing him for 13 weeks... not 4.  And we have yet to get a smile or laugh from him.  I need some rewards for my hard work!  A smile is all I ask!  So far, mothering Jonas has been a lot of hard work and not a lot of fun.  (Wow, this sounds so horrible to say!)

I have read a studied The Happiest Baby on the Block... it's my newborn bible.  The techniques for dealing with a Colicy baby are the 5 S's.  Swaddle-Side/Stomach-Shhh-Swing-Sucking.  This worked wonders with Marco, but has not made a dent in Jonas.  Jonas' fussiness is at a whole new level.
So, experienced Mommas, give me some tips!  I'm begging you!  Help me get through this with my sanity still in tact.  My children (and husband) will thank you too!

Grow, Baby- But Let Me Sleep

Jonas is going through a pretty big growth spurt right now.  This is awesome for him!  He was weighed today, and at 8 weeks, he's 5 lbs 2 oz.  He's no longer fitting in his premie wear (primarily due to height) and will only be in premie diapers till we run out.  Yay!  Awesome for him, right?... Utterly exhausting for me!

When Marco went through his first growth spurt, I was told "Turn on Netflix, sit on the couch and feed him for 2-3 days".  Sounds easy... and it wasn't so bad... but that's because it was JUST Marco.  Now, it's 2!  I can't just sit on the couch without rising for 2-3 days to feed Jonas.  I need to feed, change, clothe, play with and attend to my other child to.  And while I do that, Jonas is screaming bloody murder the ENTIRE time!

Jonas gets so worked up while waiting to be fed, that once he gets on the boob, he falls asleep!  So, I pull him off, burp him gently and try to put him down... where upon he wakes up and realizes he's STILL hungry!  It's a vicious cycle.

The worst is at night.  I get so frustrated and angry.  Once I'm sleep deprived, it's not a pretty sight.  Last night, Jonas fed at 11:30, 2:30, 4:00 and 7:00.  He only went longer on the last stretch because he was sleeping in our bed.  By that point, I was a cry baby myself.  As I said, it was not a pretty sight... I threw a tantrum, like a toddler!  Kicking sheets, crying, tossing myself from one side of the bed to the other... the works.  Thankfully, I have an understanding (and amazing) husband who got up and brought him to our bed.  Although my response at that time was, "I don't want Jonas to sleep with us, get him out of here! (REAL mature!).

I am so lucky that Mauricio is willing and eager to get up and take some of the feedings off my hands.  On weekends, we trade off, every other feeding, during the night.  I still have to wake up to pump, but that's only 10 minutes, versus the 30-45 that a normal feeding would take.  During the week, Mau wakes up for the early morning feeding (5:30 or 6am) and lets me sleep in.

Then this morning, when Mauricio got up to feed him in the early am, so I could catch a few more zz's, he made a mistake with grand repercussions.  He tried to microwave Jonas' bottle.  Two problems with this:  1. You NEVER nuke breast milk, and 2. The Dr. Browns bottle apparently couldn't handle the microwave because it got pierced somehow, making it unusable.  He didn't mean to do it, but had morning brain and got confused between Marco's bottle (which we microwave) and Jonas' bottle (which we heat in a glass of hot water).  What are the grand repercussions?  Well, that was the ONLY one we had... so until I get my butt back to the store, I'm flying solo through this growth spurt.

I just have to continue to tell myself these two simple words over and over and pray that I can get through... "It's Temporary"!  This is my LAST baby, and each growth spurt is one of my last ones ever. They say to "enjoy every minute"... but these are some minutes I don't think I'll EVER learn to enjoy.

Damage Control

Sometimes I feel like being a stay-at-home mom is all about damage control.  There are days when it feels like the second you clean up one mess, another emerges.  Honestly, I don't have the endurance to stay on top of everything that needs to be done.  I'm a LOUSY house keeper.  The truth is, I hate cleaning and picking up.  If it weren't for Mau's neatness ::cough, cough, OCD::, we'd be living in a pig sty.  Have I mentioned, I have a pretty amazing husband?
Today was particularly challenging.  By the time I put Jonas back to sleep, Marco woke up.  That's always an inclination that the day is going to go my way.  So, I pick up Marco and begin giving him his breakfast, when Jonas woke back up.  Then my day went something like this:
~Change Marco's diaper
~Feed Marco
~Change Jonas' diaper
~Feed Jonas
~Change Marco's diaper AGAIN- within 1 hour of waking up, I had changed 3 diapers... 2 of which were stinky!
~Pick up the 500 cheerios that Marco threw on the floor while I was tending to Jonas
~Protect Jonas from Marco as he tries to:
   a. bite his head
   b. stick the paci in his eye
   c. pull him off my lap
~Put Marco in time out for jumping on the couch and climbing on top of the table
~Give Marco his paci (that is otherwise not allowed outside the crib) in hopes that he'd relax... it worked!
~Feed Jonas and diaper change
~Feed Marco lunch and diaper change
~NAP TIME!! Thank you, Jesus, for sweet long naps!
Thankfully, Marco took a 3 hour nap and Jonas was sweet as always, so I could relax.  After that, the rest of my day was ok... but GEEZ, sometimes it's HARD being a stay-at-home mom.
So, I was exhausted from controlling the damage that was being done, but needless to say, nothing else got done.  Not the dishes, not the laundry, never the cleaning.  We should all smile and pat me on the back for having 2 fed, clothed, clean (somewhat), happy and in-tact children at the end of the day.  That's a success right there!

Bewitched

I have been debating as to whether or not I should write this post, as it shows a darker side of motherhood that is neither happy or quite sane.  However, I feel that it would be unfair for me to depict motherhood as puppies and rainbows all the time, when that is not the case.  It would be unfair to my readers who are not yet mothers to not know the truth, the whole (sometimes ugly) truth, about what goes on in a mother's mind.  So, here I go... don't judge me.

Being a new mom to an infant is sometimes extraordinarily frustrating.  My baby is calm, quiet and content for the entire day... until... the bewitching hour.  The "bewitching hour" is a time of day that every baby decides to be fussy... uncontrollably and inconsolably fussy.  You feed your baby and yet he/she is still exhibiting hunger signs.  You try to offer the paci, but your baby just spits it out in a fury.  You try rocking, shushing, back patting, and everything else you've ever read about, but nothing works.  This is just HIS TIME to be unconsolable.

For Marco, this time occurred everyday for about 3 months at 6 o'clock in the evening.  Poor Mauricio would come home from work and Marco would scream in his face for a full hour or more.  He took it personally... "my baby doesn't like me".  I understood that it was just his bewitching hour and that it would soon pass.  At 6 in the evening, I was cool and calm... BUT ask me how I was at 3 am?  CRAZY!  If he'd begin to be inconsolable in the middle of the night, I'd begin to feel helpless and desperate.

Jonas' bewitching hour(s) usually begins around 10pm and lasts till after midnight.  This is extremely frustrating to us because we WANT TO SLEEP!  It's like he decides that he's going to be awake at the exact moment that we want to go to bed.  He had his chance to be awake all day, but nooooooo.

Every new mother can expect to be tired, but do not be fooled... real exhaustion sets in about week 3.  After about 3 weeks of minimal sleep, your mind begins to lose it.  In fact, I've heard (but I'm too lazy to look it up to verify it's validity) that in war, sleep deprivation is a form of torture.  However, there are war laws against the amount of time a person is limited in sleep.  I believe that they must allow a minimum of 3-4 hours uninterrupted sleep, or else it is considered a war crime.  If this is true, then our babies are LITERALLY torturing us!  I have not slept more than 3 hours at a time in 6 weeks.

Sleep deprivation does some crazy things to our minds, and we must remain aware of the situation and rely on the support of our husbands, or it'll be easy to snap.  When a baby is crying uncontrollably and nothing seems to work, I can EASILY see how a slightly less sane person would snap and do something drastic, like shake their baby.  At one of my most desperate moments, I remember standing in the kitchen with Marco at 4 am, both of us crying, and for a split second I had a crazy thought that scared the CRAP out of me... maybe if I put Marco in the freezer for a few minutes, he'll stop crying.  WHAT?!?!  Then the guilt that comes after thinking such a horrible and morbid thing just eats you up.  What kind of a mother am I?  Now I know... a tired one.

This time around, my skin is a little thicker.  Jonas' cries don't get to me the same way Marco's did.  I can ignore it a little easier.  I wont lie though, there have been moments where I want to put my hand over his face.  Thankfully, I have an amazing husband there with me 100% of the way and TOGETHER we keep it sane.

For those of you new mommies or soon-to-be moms who follow my blog, a piece of advice.  Be VERY aware of what's going on in your mind and emotions.  When you feel loopy, get help!  You can not do it ALL by yourself and it's ok to force your husband out of bed (even if he has to work in the morning).  When you need to sleep, wake up your husband and have him give the baby a bottle.  You are still a super mom, even if you need help every once in a while.

This book helped me learn how to soothe my babies and gave me a little extra amo during the first 3 months... I highly recommend it.

Parking Lot Melt Down

Having a toddler is hard work.  Having a toddler and an infant is nearly impossible.  Everyone told me it would be hard... and my response has always been, "I know, but it's temporary".  I still believe this, but this "temporary" is probably going to be a bit longer than I anticipated.
Marco is being such a sweet and loving brother... to Jonas.  To me, however, he's being a terror.  I know that this has been a big change for him and that he needs time to adjust.  I have tried giving him his own time, exclusive of Jonas.  I have explained to him, in nice tones, that he has to help Mama and be cooperative.  But, it's not working and I end up wanting to scream my head off.
Today, I was brave.  I got two babies ready, and loaded up into the car (with Mau's help) and we went to MOPS this morning.  It took me 2 hours from the time I woke up to the time I got in the car, but I did it... and was only 5 minutes late!
We saw a DVD of a message by Julie Barnhill, and it was great.  She spoke on being "One Tough Mom". Basically, speaking to moms with children of all ages, saying that we have to take back control.  "Who's the boss"... "I am"!  And, she gave the perfect example of my life... she said, "have you ever talked to your 18 month old and wondered where his mom is and then realized that YOU'RE his mom?"  YES!  This is my life.  Who is this toddler, why is he disobedient, and where is his parent?  Oh, wait, I'm supposed to parent him... but I'm too tired!
She said we have to learn to be consistent.  Once again, I'm too tired to be consistent.  But, when I think of it, and I remember my teaching days... consistency IS KEY!  If I say "no" today, then it must be "no" tomorrow and the day after.  But jeez, sometimes I honestly don't give a rats booty if he touches the "off limits" books.  Sometimes, I could care less if he climbs up on the table.  I'M TOO TIRED TO CARE!  But, for the sake of my parenting and the future battles that I MUST WIN, I have to care.
So, I listen to this awesome message, (and if you get a chance to Youtube her or read her book, you should).  I'm PUMPED UP... as we all are after hearing an encouraging word.  I feel like I can do this... I AM one tough Mama, and Marco had BETTER watch out!
Then we get into the parking lot.  I have Jonas strapped to my chest in the Moby wrap.  I walk Marco to his side of the car and open his door.  He proceeds to THROW himself on the parking lot floor in a fit of rage.  Why?... because HE wants to drive.  He does not want to sit in his car seat, and how dare I even suggest it?!  So, while I have Julie's message running through my head, and all the other MOPS moms eyes on me, I nearly have a melt down in the parking lot.  I wanted to beat my child.
I ended up letting him climb into the car and do as he pleased while I took care of Jonas.  Once Jonas was in and safe, I "took care" of Marco.  I had to grab him and STUFF him into his car seat, all while he's kicking and screaming.  Mauricio tells me I just need to be more patient... but patience seems to be something on high demand but short supply these days.  I WILL NOT pray for patience, because then God will REALLY teach me a lesson.
For now, I've just got to learn a few tricks, try to calm myself down first, remember to stay consistent, learn to say "no" and MEAN it and try to take control and responsibility for my toddler.  Pray for me.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

"Slow and steady wins the race."  I keep telling myself that in anticipation of Jonas' homecoming.  It's not yet, but we can already see the light at the end of the tunnel!  

Today is 1 month from when I was originally admitted to the hospital.  I can't believe it's been so long already!  It's been a very difficult month, but we've learned a lot of life lessons and a huge lesson in patience and faith.  

Throughout the past 3 weeks, it has been startling to me to see just how vastly different a premature baby is from a term baby.  Even Marco, who was also "premature", is extreemly different than Jonas.  Marco was almost "term", and Jonas is still on 34 weeks adjusted.  I mean, everything is different!  The way you handle them, the way you feed them, their capabilities, their alertness... it's all so... premature!  

At first, I felt horrible leaving Jonas in the isolette all day and night without me there.  My original frame of mind was, "he needs his Mama".  Well, he does, but more than that, he needs to sleep!  He is perfectly content to sleep for hours on end in the covered isolette with no stimulation.  In fact, stimulation can actually be a bad thing at this stage!  He gets snuggle time twice a day when I visit in the mornings and evenings, but mostly he's sleeping and growing.  A term baby wants to be held all day long and can have longer periods of awake/stimulated time.  

Another thing that was completely bizarre to me, was the manner in which I have to feed him.  Right now, we're bottle feeding and it is such hard work for him!  At first, he'd get all choked up and couldn't coordinate his breathing with sucking and swallowing.  He'd get all red in the face and begin to gasp!  We've been working on it, and he's getting a hang of it, but it's a slow process.  He hasn't gotten the hang of breastfeeding, and according to the doctors, he probably wont until he's closer to his due date.  A term baby will chug down a bottle or immediatly latch onto a breast a few hours after birth.  It's like as if Jonas has to learn all these things that comes naturally to term babies.  

According to our calculations and timeline, Jonas should be coming home close to November 1st.  The requirements for him to come home are that he is taking 8 bottles a day by mouth and can sustain his temperature in an open crib.  Tonight he should be moving into an open crib, because he's been sustaining well in the isolette for more than 48 hours.  He's also up to 4 bottles a day by mouth.  The other 4 feedings are being tubed.  If he manages his bottles well for 48 hours, they increase 1 bottle a day.  So, from start to finish, 8 bottles would take 16 days.  Since we're on 4, we're half way home... assuming we have no set backs!  

It's a slow process, but so far he's been steady in his progress!  

A Difficult Decision Made

Throughout my entire pregnancy with Jonas, I had high hopes that I'd make it to term.  I would get annoyed when other women would complain about being full term, while knowing full well the consequences of having a premie.  Marco was a premie... not a severe one, but one none-the-less.  36 weeks is still considered premature.  As you've read before, he had difficulty breathing, was in the NICU and was on constant medication for the first 10 months of his life.  This is hard on any parent, and not something that you want a repeat of. 


So, I have always said that if #2 was also a premie, I'd have to take action.  I can not assume that it's TWO coincidences or flookes.  No, this is because of me.  I have to assume that MY body can not hold a baby to term.  There have been other thoughts on the matter, such as getting pregnant too soon after the first, but these are just theories... not guarantees.  


Having one premie is difficult, having two is even harder... I fear having three would be unbearable!  
During the course of my stay at the hospital, I had a lot of time to think and pray over this matter.  I knew Jonas was going to be another premie... that was already determined.  
The decision I had ahead of me: Should I permanently "close up shop" by getting my tubes tied (and cut, and burned), or should I wait on it?  


On the one hand, I knew that it would be a simple procedure, because I was already having a c-section.  This would also eliminate the need to go under the knife later, or force Mauricio to get it done- I'd have to drag him in kicking and screaming!  I also thought that IF my assumptions were correct, and I couldn't carry to term, then chances are I'd have yet ANOTHER premie.  And, the chances were high that the third would be earlier than the previous two.  Could I handle having another premie... emotionally?  Could my body handle carrying another child... physically?  


On the other hand, I felt like I was cheating my husband out of the opportunity of being a father again.  I felt like I was too young (27) to be making a decision that was so permanent and would affect the balances of our family forever.  I felt like Mauricio was too young (24) to be deciding if our family was truly complete.  A part of my heart was still holding on to the idea of one day having a baby girl.  I didn't want to cheat him out of having a daughter.  It still breaks my heart a little. 


After much consideration, I decided to have to procedure done.  FOUR of my OB's came to speak with me, urging me to have it done.  They said that they didn't think my body could handle another pregnancy and that I was a perfect candidate to have it done.  I felt like the Lord was talking to me through them.  Really, shouldn't I be so incredibly grateful to have TWO boys?!  Shouldn't I be encouraged that even though they are both premies, they are still perfect and healthy?  Why am I sometimes blinded by my own selfish desires and I fail to see all that He has already blessed me with?!  I couldn't selfishly put my life on the line again for the chance of having another baby.  What if something horrible happened?  What if the third is a really early baby and we lose it?  I couldn't live with myself knowing that I could have chosen differently.  What if my body failed completely and I died, leaving Mau to raise two or three children on his own?  How selfish of me... and for what?! 
There are so many people, family and good friends of mine, who are unable to have children.  I, who have already been blessed with two, should not continue to endanger myself for the selfish desire of being a "super mom".  I already AM a "SUPER MOM"!  


Thankfully, my adoring husband was behind me 1000%, and supported my decision whole heartedly.  I had the Tubal done immediately after Jonas was born.  It still makes me sad to think about, but I have to remind myself that I did it for my family.  I did it because I love Mauricio and Marco and Jonas much much more than the IDEA of having another child.  They are my family... they are the ones that need me now... and there is nothing I wouldn't do to protect that.