The Less You Write

Some of you may have been wondering where the heck I've been.  Let me assure you, I'm alive and well.

Since moving into our house in September, my blog writing has decreased significantly.  We decided that we wouldn't sign up for internet or cable for the time being in order to save some money and be able to do some much needed fixing to our home.  The only internet access I have at home is through my phone, which all bloggers know it is incredibly frustrating to write and read blogs from a phone.

My first month there I really tried to keep up.  I would write all the time on Word or TextEdit and then transfer my posts over to blogger when I'd get access at either my in-laws or work or even the park!  I would have 3 or 4 posts ready and scheduled a week in advance.  But even with doing that, my enthusiasm for blog writing started to fade.

As I was thinking about why, I finally realized... it's because I have been completely disconnected with my blogging community!  Sure, I could write posts and have them ready, but I couldn't keep up with the blogs I loved reading.  I couldn't interact with the ladies that have brought me encouragement and online friendship as easily.  I was isolated.

So I started writing less.  And the thing about that is, the less you write, the less you have to write about.  Writing is like a flurry.  The more you do it, the more easily it becomes and the more ideas you have and the quicker you get it out.  It's like it just spills out of you.  But likewise, the less you write, the harder it becomes, the slower it is to come out.  It feels like molasses.

I have been warned by some people that if I don't keep up with it, I will lose the followers I have acquired so far... and this is true.  In the last month I have lost 2 followers... I'm not in the 100's anymore.  But that's ok.

On the other hand, I have had a few blog ladies contact me through twitter, facebook or email and ask me where I've been or how I've been doing.  That has been amazing!  And I want to say Thank You to those people... your kindness and friendship means a lot!

I miss writing, but I now realize that I got caught up in the blog competition.  In my hiatus, I've been able to reevaluate why I even do this in the first place.  It's my outlet and my way of documenting my family's stories.  While doing giveaways and link ups are fun, that isn't necessarily the purpose of my blog.

And I'm done spending hours a week reading other people's blogs and writing thoughtful comments when they are never returned.  Basically, I'm purging.  The truth is, I shouldn't care about my follower number.  I'm not trying to make a living doing this.  I don't care to be the #1 mommy blogger.  I can't have a $1,000 giveaway.  I can't make my house Pinterest worthy.  I can't measure up to the competition... so I'm backing out.

If you still want to follow me along my journey, please stay a while.  I hope to keep it real, keep it true to myself and keep it humble.  I would love to share my story with you and I hope we are able to learn from each other.  Because, really... that's what it's about.

Birthdays make me Broke!

Lately I've been thinking about birthdays.  Well, birthday parties, really.

I'm sure for many moms, birthday parties for our children is high on the priority list.  It is for me!

But here's the problem... birthday's don't stop coming!  I feel like we just had Marco's birthday and here come's Jonas' right around the corner!

And birthday parties are expensive!  Living in a city where all of your family lives just multiplies the cost.  Because we can't throw a party and just invite the friends because the family will get their feelings hurt.  But we can't throw a party and just invite the family because then my kids' friends wont be there to celebrate.

For Marco's birthday, which was in the middle of June, we had close to 50 people in attendance!  The total cost for that party was close to $500.  The food alone cost $300 and when you add decorations, favors and cake, there you have it!  $500... for a 3 year old's birthday.

And really, I don't think we went overboard.  The food was simply hotdogs, cheeseburgers, chips, fruit, corn and cupcakes... not too much.  It was a pool party, so we didn't rent a bounce house or an entertainer or a face painter.  We didn't rent tables or chairs, but borrowed them from my dad instead.  So, you know... it was done as cost efficiently as possible.

But still!  We spent $500 just 3 months ago and now it's time to do it all again?!  Don't you think it's a little overkill?  I do.

And part of me feels guilty... well if I did it for one, I should do it for the other... blah blah... parental guilt... blah blah... will I scar them for life?

That's it!  I'm putting my foot down on this whole party money sucking fiasco!

I have decided that for Jonas' 2nd birthday, there will be NO bash. (GASP! FAINT!).  Instead, we will be having a play date at a park on the day before (a Thursday) and I will bring cake pops so that we can sing with his friends.  Then on his actual birthday (a Friday) we will have the immediate family get together at my house... and by immediate family, I mean my parents, my siblings, Mauricio's parents, Mauricio's sister and that's IT!  I'll prepare dinner for us and have a cake to celebrate.

The end.

This plan should cost me about $100.  That's a lot more reasonable than $500.

But I can't always do that to Jonas.  It's not fair that I give Marco a huge all-out bash and then give Jonas a lame ol' play date.  So here's what I'm thinking of doing in the future:

Since their birthday's are 3 months apart, I will have ONE birthday bash at the midpoint, 1.5 months after Marco's and 1.5 months before Jonas'.  We will have an all out, hold nothing back, over the top, party of all parties DUAL birthday party.  And it'll be awesome.

Then on each of their actual birthday's, we'll have the small family gathering with dinner and cake at our house to celebrate them individually.

Honestly, it's just too hard doing two big birthday parties.  It's hard on ME, having to plan everything... it's hard on our guests, having to buy gifts again and having ANOTHER party... it's hard on my husband, having to do all that set up and tear down... and it's hard on our wallet!  This will allow us the opportunity to go nuts for our kids ONCE a year and really celebrate the both of them together.  And the good thing is that since they're only a year apart, hopefully they'll have a lot of the same friends and be interested in the same things.

I'm excited for this!  I wish I had thought of it this year instead!

What do YOU do for your kids' birthday?  Do you do a combined party or give each one their own?  How do you make it work for your family?  I'd love to know!  We're still figuring this whole thing out ourselves!

A Privilege and a Sacrifice

Not long ago I was at a restaurant with my family.  We were in the front of the restaurant, waiting to be seated, and the boys were jumping all over Mauricio, excited to be with their daddy after a long day of work. I sat on a bench, watching them, finally relieved to have no one touching me for a few minutes and have the attention elsewhere.  I could breathe a minute... decompress.

An older lady sitting next to me struck up a conversation with me.
She said:  Is that your son?  (pointing at Marco)
I said: Yes... and that one too... (pointing to Jonas)
She said:  Oh wow... TWO little ones? You must have your hands so full...

-Pause-
Can I just rant for a minute?  This is the MOST annoying, MOST cliche thing you can say to a mother. First of all, DUH.  Of course I have my hands full.  Every mom has her hands full.  Motherhood is hard.  BUT, more importantly, my hands are full, but I LIKE it that way.  My children are not a burden to me.  They're most definitely hard work, time consuming and patience testing, but I love them more than my whole life, so yes, my hands are wonderfully full... and my heart?  Over-flowingly full.

I nodded.
She said: So, who takes care of them?
I gave her a questioning confused look
I said: I do?
She said:  Well yes, I know... but during the day?
Another questioning confused look
I said: I do?
She said:  Yes, yes, but while you're at work... who takes care of them?
I said:  Oh!  I'm a stay-at-home-mom... I don't work.

And here it is guys... the point of the whole story...
She opens her arms, really dramatic-like and says in a sing-songy voice...
"Oooooo, what a PRIVILEGED LAAAADY!"

I
Was
Stunned

I didn't know what to say, so I meekly said:
"Yes, we are blessed.  My husband is a great provider and we're able to make it work".

But that was the wrong answer.
Don't you sometimes wish you had a rewind button?  Ugh.  I could have put her in her place sooooo good, if only I hadn't been like a deer in headlights!

Here's what I really think on the subject...

Am I privileged?  Hell yes.  I am so grateful that I get to spend every day with my kids... that I get to be their teacher, their playmate, their referee, their boo-boo kisser, their nap time snuggler.  It would break my stinkin' heart if I couldn't do those things for them.

But...
Am I a "Privileged Lady"?  Hell NO!  I ain't rich.  We don't have nannies or butlers or chefs or drivers. We had to live with my in-laws for a whole year to save money to buy a house.  Mauricio's car is from 1997.  My car is a hand-me-down from my mom because I totalled my old car, which by the way was my high school graduation gift.  We buy things off of Craigslist all the time.  We clothes shop at Target.  We haven't taken a vacation since our honeymoon.  We don't have texting.  We don't have cable.  We have to strictly budget and save in order to buy the things we want.

We are not rich...
We are not "Privileged"... in the way she was saying it.

We make an enormous amount of sacrifices for me to be able to stay home with the kids.  It's not something we take lightly.  We could be much better off.  We could both have 401K's.  But we don't.  Because THIS is the time for us to sacrifice.

We feel that it is more important for me to be home with our kids... so that we can decide how to raise them, how to discipline them, what kind of things they should be learning, or exposed to.  We make all the choices.  We are in a completely controlled environment.  For us, that's more important than new cars, yearly vacations, Nordstrom clothes.

So yes, it is a privilege... but it's also a sacrifice.
Dont' get confused.

Homeschooling

Early in January, I had decided that it was time for me to find a school for Marco to go to in the Fall. He would be going into PK3 and I was ready to release him a bit.

I decided to enroll him in a local Christian school that had a 3 day half day program. So he'd be going Monday-Wednesday-Friday from 8-12. I only wanted him to go 3 days because I didn't want to separate him from Jonas so abruptly. They're best friends and they're pretty attached to each other.

One day I was talking to two ladies that homeschool their kids and the subject came up. When I told them that I didn't think I had the patience to do it, they said that they didn't either but that God equipped them for it. Then one of them said that when you make a decision to homeschool, you don't have to decide then and there to do it all the way through high school graduation... You can choose to go year by year. I really liked that. So often we feel like we have to make all of the decisions for our kids RIGHT NOW... But we don't. We can "play it by ear".

But even after our conversation, I said hellz no... I want my freedom. I want to go to the grocery store or the doctor with only one child.

And then during the Bible Study of Jonah that I was taking this summer, Priscilla Shirer said something to me during her DVD lesson. It was like she may as well had said, "Nicole, are you listening?". She said, "maybe God is calling you to homeschool when you just thought you were about to have some freedom for the first time". I looked around the room and put my head down "no God, not me...".

Then we bought our house, and we went from saving every penny to spending every penny overnight. A few days after the close, Mauricio turned to me and said, "I think you need to withdrawal Marco from the preschool you enrolled him into... It's just an unnecessary expense that we don't need to take on right now." to which I responded, "well, he's already 3, so I want him to do something..." and them he said what I had been running from all along, "why don't you homeschool him". Hmmm? Come again?

But in my experience, running from God and going against your husband does not yield the best results, so I submitted to both of them. I called the school the very next day and explained our circumstance and withdrew him from the program.

I also spent most of the afternoon researching PK3 curriculum. It's very limited and sometimes expensive. I also know that if I tried to make up my own curriculum, I'd get frustrated because there's a lot of prep time and not a lot of do time. And truthfully, I'm just not that creative Finally, I found the one!

What I love about it is that it's very versatile and fool proof. There are step by step instructions for materials, preparation and instruction. There are 6 subjects per day; English, Literature, Pre-Math, Motor Skills, Science and Art. And sometimes one or two are switched out for Social Studies or Music.

The curriculum has been laid out to be covered over the course of 26 weeks, one week for every letter of the alphabet. 5 days a week with 6 lessons per day! That's a whopping 780 complete lessons!

So because it's so extensive and because I plan to include Jonas in a lot of the lessons, I'll be cutting it in half and doing 3 lessons per day. At this rate it'll take me 2 weeks to complete each letter. And an entire year (52 weeks) to complete the whole curriculum!

Will I be permanently homeschooling the boys? Will Marco go to PK4 next fall? Honestly, I don't know. I don't have the answer to any of these questions. For now, I know that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

And I'm gonna do it. I'm really going to try and stick with the plan and get these boys learning together.

I'm encouraged. And excited. Now I've got to do a little preplanning and we'll be ready to get started as soon as we move into our new home!

Stay tuned for updates!

Trading Dreams

As you may have already read, on Saturday was our 5 year anniversary.  It was momentous.  5 years... now that's a milestone!

Two years ago, I decided I wanted to do something amazing to celebrate this milestone.  Something spectacular.  Something grand.

I felt I NEEDED a do-over after our horrible honeymoon.

I had BIG plans for our 5 year anniversary.  But as time went on, my plans began to diminish and change.
I wanted a 2 week cruise in the Mediterranean.
Then I wanted a week long driving trip through California.
Then I wanted a week long trip to the mountains of North Carolina.
Then I wanted a weekend in New York.
Then I wanted a weekend cruise to the Bahamas.
Then I wanted a 4 day beach vacation here, in Miami.
Finally I just begged for ONE night away.  Just one.

You see, 2 years ago we were in a completely different place than where we're at today.
We were living in Greenville.  Now we're in Miami.
Greenville cost of living is reasonable.  Miami cost of living is ridiculous.
We had a low rent payment.  Now we're buying a house.
We had one baby.  Now we have two.

Things are different, and that's ok.  Actually it's better than ok... it's fantastic!

While at times I feel like screaming at Mauricio's... frugality (for lack of a different word), I am thankful that he's not impulsive or frivolous like I am.  If it wasn't for his painfully strict budget, we wouldn't be buying a house.

I realized I would have to trade my dream of the perfect vacation for the dream of a home in which to raise my family.

It's certainly not an even trade.  This side comes out winning ten times over!

So I guess we'll just take all those fabulous vacations when we're retired.  Good thing we had our kids young!

The Right Decision Made

Back when Jonas was born, I wrote this post about having to make the decision to get my tubes tied.  I know a lot of people have read that story and been touched by it.  I know that in writing it, I was trying to convince myself that I made a good decision and that it was the only way.

But it broke my heart.

At that time, I wasn't ready to say "we'll always be a family of 4".  I still dreamt of one day holding a baby girl in my arms.  My body missed having a baby inside.  I thought I'd one day long for more.

And then I got to know Jonas.  I mean, I really got to know him.  And I learned that that boy is work... lots of work.  So, my baby fever got put on hold.

Then I started to watch him and Marco together.  The way they love each other.  The way they play together.  They're two peas in a pod.  A match made in heaven.

And I felt...
Complete

Recently, I've felt more secure in my decision than ever before.  I've learned in the past few weeks that THREE of my friends are pregnant.  And all I feel is happiness for them.  Not a hint of jealousy.

Where before I used to feel an ache in my body... a yearning for another.  Now, all I want to say, "so happy it's you... and not me".  That's a sure sign.

I know that the decision I made... although hasty and forced upon me... was the right one after all.  God gave me a great gift... I'm content.  I know that this is exactly the way my family was always meant to be.  We were always meant to have a Table for 4.

I Got A Job!

Don't worry, it's not a full time job.  My full time job will still be taking care of my monsters sweet angels.

Lately I've been feeling like I've been missing my outlet.  My musical outlet.  And my teachers outlet.  I love, love, love staying home with my boys, but I feel like I'm missing a part of me when I don't get to sing or teach.

I like to think of it like having many hats.  I have my mommy hat, my wife hat and my friends hat.  I have my MOPS hat and my Bible study hat.  And I have my musical hat.  In order for my life to feel well balanced, all my hats must be worn often.  By all means, my most used hat is my mommy hat... as it should be.  But, with that being the case, my musical hat has been gathering dust for months.  It's time to clean it up and show it off from time to time.

When I lived in Miami before, as a Senior in college, I got my first job.  I was teaching voice for a local music school, Miami Conservatory of Music.  The owner took a chance on me, having no experience whatsoever and not even having a degree in hand.  I was lucky!  I worked there for about 10 months before moving to Orlando and beginning my career.

Now that I have moved back to Miami, I contacted the owner and begged asked for my long-gone-job back!  With a degree in hand and a bunch of years experience under my belt, she was happy to have me.

I was so excited to see all the changes that have been made in my 6 year absence.  She moved from a small apartment sized space with only 4 rooms and a reception to a GORGEOUS space.  Actually it's 2 spaces... one of which is a recital hall.  It's ahhh-mazing.  It's what I've always dreamed would one day be MY studio.  It kicks every single studio that I've ever seen's BUTT!

It's located in the Mayfair center in Coconut Grove.  Just walk up those stairs and to the right of the fountain is the studio and to the left is the recital hall.

The view from the street

Entrance and reception

Recital Hall with seating for up to 150!

Aside from the space being absolutely dream worthy gorgeous, it's what's inside that's most important.  The students!  The school has over 400 students and can expand to over 600!  Holy Cow!  I love thinking about all those young minds absorbing a passion for music!

So we have decided that I'll start working on Saturdays teaching voice.  I'm also going to be offering a Musical Theatre class for ages 8-12 and possibly (if there's enough interest) an a capella chorus ensemble (think Glee) for ages 13-17.  I am PSYCHED!  

If you'd like to read more about the conservatory, please visit their website at: http://www.miamiconservatoryofmusic.com/

Eating Organic

Ever since watching the shocking documentary Food Inc. while I was pregnant with Marco, we have decided to try and eat more organic meals.  We came up against a lot of opposition.  People telling us we were snobs.  People criticizing how much money we spend on our food.  People justifying their own decisions to NOT eat organically.

That's fine.

If YOU don't feel the need, no one is telling you to do it.  But we do.  What I hate is when people judge us without even doing any research themselves... or even without trying it!

We have some close friends that are hardcore about eating organically.  Like, they will rarely go out to eat because they can't guarantee that prepared food are cooked healthily and naturally, much less organically if not prepared by themselves.  We are not even close to being this hardcore about it.  We still eat out and eat at other people's house... it's just that if WE are the one's doing the cooking, we make it an organic meal.  We figure, that way about 50% of our food is organic... and that's better than 0%!

Yes, it's expensive.  It's really expensive when first deciding to go organic because you have to replace your staples... flour, butter, spices, ketchup.  And it's also expensive on a weekly basis... the meat is the most.  But with the meat, now I can taste the difference.  Grass fed beef even smells different!

We hope that by making an investment in the food we eat and we feed our children, that we'll encourage healthy eating habits, reduce the risk of obesidy and reduce other health risks such as diabetes.  Of course, eating organic doesn't mean you're eating "fat free", but it changes your perspective on what is really necessary.  And because buying organic foods is more expensive, you end up cutting back on frivolous food purchases... aka snacks.

We buy some snacks for the kids... like the Annie's organic fruit snacks and Annie's all natural cheese crackers... but mostly it's cheese sticks and yogurt.  Healthier snack options.

Allie over at Table For More explains how to shop organic on a budget.  She shows that it's totally do-able and that until you try, you can't say that you can't afford it or that it's not worth it.

And don't give me that crap... "well, I didn't eat organic and look, I turned out just fine".  Ok... are you sure?  First, you don't know what kind of health issues you will have in the future due to your eating habits and secondly, food today is much more genetically modified and altered than when we were kids.

So, my whole stance is... if we know better, we should try and do better.  Especially for our kids.  They can't choose for themselves.  And the habits we instil today will affect their entire future.

Give it a shot... if not for you, then for your babes.  Try it for a month.  Take note of your finances.  Take note of the taste.  Then decide for yourself.

On a side note, my kiddos take eating organic to a whole new level.
Here's Jonas eating a blade of grass:

Here's Marco eating a shovel full of dirt:

But it's all good.  A little dirt never hurt nobody.  And besides... it's organic.

Conflicted and Convicted

Halloween.
Christmas.
Easter.

These three holidays pose such difficult quandaries for myself and my household.

With Easter- should we participate in the Easter Bunny?  How about Easter baskets?  Ok, how about just egg hunts?

With Christmas- Santa or no?  How many gifts, if any?  Should we have a tree?

And with Halloween- should we participate?  Dress up?  Trick or Treating or parties?

This is a big dilema.  A big one.

I'll tell you how I feel first of all.  This is where I'm conflicted.  On the one hand, I am a Christian.  I love Jesus.  I want to be pleasing to Him.  I know that these "traditions" are pagan ones and take AWAY from the message of Jesus.  On the other hand, I don't want my kids to be "those weird kids that don't celebrate holidays".  Because we DO celebrate holidays.  We just may not partake in every aspect of that holiday.  And, I want my kids to have fun and make sweet memories.

Here's the problem with what other people see about Christianity... that it strips away all the "fun".  Now, that's not true.  And, just because this is what WE are conflicted and convicted about doesn't mean that I judge YOU for not feeling the same way.  I do not think I am a better Christian or that I love Jesus more than you do.  This has just been laid on my heart and mind and what we have decided is right for our family.

As a child, my parents allowed me to participate in Halloween.  Every year I wore a costume and went Trick or Treating around my neighborhood.  The only restriction on Halloween was that I was not allowed to dress as anything scary or evil.  Basically my parents felt that they were on the safe side of the fence that way.

The way I feel about that "rule" is that it's pretty much getting as close to the fence as I possibly can without actually being on the other side.  And, shouldn't we as Christians not see how close we can get, but rather how FAR we can get from that proverbial "fence"?  That would be more pleasing to God.

Maybe God doesn't care about things like this... maybe He doesn't mind that we dress our babies as pumpkins.  But maybe He does.  And maybe by becoming callous to the TRUE underlying meaning and purpose of Halloween, we're allowing ourselves to become calloused about other things.  If that's ok, then other things should be too.  It becomes easier to put an excuse on it or turn your eyes away.

In Mauricio's household, they did not participate in Halloween at all.  My mother-in-law would hold the kids back from school that day so they weren't seen as the outsiders and she would buy mountains of candy for them to enjoy without having to go door to door.  She would also take them to Fall Festivals to enjoy pumpkin patches and pony rides.  When I asked her about this, her response was so simple, it floored me.  I asked her how the kids felt about being left out and her answer was, "They knew we were Christians".  I was convicted.

I believe that it's easy to do what everyone else is doing.  It's easy to fall into step with the crowd.  It's easy to say "it's all in fun".  But being a Christian means you don't always do the easy thing.

In Romans 12:2 it reads: "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect".

By participating in Halloween, I am conforming to the world.  If I participated even though my GUT is telling me not to, I'd be conforming.  I believe that God has transformed my mind and I am able to discern what is good and acceptable and right and perfect and true.  Of course I think my kids would be stinkin' adorable all dressed up.  I've been dying to paint a moustache on Marco!  But the bottom line is I should be more concerned with what HE thinks than what my friends think, or how cute it'll be or if they'll have fun.

I know this is the right choice for my family.  I also know that it comes at a price.  And I know that although it's easy to veto Halloween now, it wont be so easy when the kids are older and aware of what all their friends are doing.  I know.  But it has been decided.  As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.  In all of our decisions.  Even the not-so-fun ones.

So now you're thinking I've gotta be all or nothing.  If I'm saying "no" to Halloween, I've gotta say "no" to Christmas and Easter too... and you'd be correct, but that's a topic for another day.

Living Conditions

You know I'm living with my in-laws right now.  But did you know we're on a plan to live here for a year?  We're trying to pay off debt, save money to buy a house and buy cars and basically start fresh and clean.  We feel so grateful and blessed that Mauricio's parents have agreed to allow us to live here.  Really, they're great.

But that said, we're a bit tight.  Why?  Because my dear husband doesn't want to continue paying for a storage unit.  He wants to bring in all of our boxes and sell our furniture.  I'm not thrilled with this idea.  I don't think selling our furniture is wise because once we do have our own place, we'll be sitting on the floor.  So we're trying to find a place to store our furniture rent free.

The boxes, however, are here already.  I know what you're thinking... where?  There are already 6 people living there!  Where?  I'll tell you.  Pushed up against every available wall space in our room.  It's organized... but chaotic.  How's that for an oxymoron?!  

No, that's not all... the rest are under Marco's bed and Jonas' crib.  And there's another side of the room I didn't photograph.  So this is how we're living... for a year.  

I keep telling myself I can sacrifice for a year.  I mean, really, what's a year in the grand scheme of things.  We have our whole lives together... one year is nothing.  But the other part of me keeps saying I deserve the "wife of the year" award.  What do you think?

Opened Doors

Whenever I've had a big decision to make, my prayer has always been the same: God, if it's for me and if it's the best thing for me, make it happen.  If it isn't, then close that door and don't even allow it to be an option.  I have never prayed for God to make something specific happen, because I truly believe with all my heart that His plans are far greater than any of our plans.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11


Before I graduated from college, I was toying with the idea of heading off to grad school in New York to pursue my opera career.  I had an audition (round 2) at the Manhattan School of Music.  Very prestigious.  But I had been in this really great relationship for about a year and I knew in my heart of hearts that if I moved, that relationship would fall apart.  I begged God to show me which door to walk through.  When I stepped off the plane in NYC for my audition, the cold air hit me square in the face and within an hour of arriving I had completely lost my voice.  How was I supposed to have an opera audition with no voice?  This was a CLEAR message from God that NYC was not the place for me.  And I'm so happy I listened to him and walked through that door... that boy I was dating became my husband, my best friend and the father to my children.

When I was a recent college grad, I had another decision to make.  I could stay in Miami and get a job or try to move to Orlando.  Mauricio had just decided to attend school in Orlando, and again I feared that a long distance relationship would be detrimental.  But I couldn't just go to Orlando and live with nothing to do... I had to find a job.  I gave myself 3 days.  I told myself that God was the ultimate provider and if I was meant to live in Orlando and follow Mauricio, that He would make it happen.  I went to Orlando for 3 days to try and find a job... if I didn't succeed then that was God closing that door.  I went and received 3 job offers in that time and decided to take one.  I packed up my bags and moved to Orlando, trusting completely that it was in God's will for me.  And I'm so happy I did... my relationship grew in strength, I met some wonderful people who are still my closest friends, and I rededicated my life to Jesus and began to act like the Christian I always claimed to be.  I fell in love with Jesus in Orlando.

When Mau and I had been married for a year, we began having that baby itch.  But, with Mau out of work, it was impossible to start a family.  Then one day out of the blue, Carol called and told Mau that her husbands company was hiring and would put in a good word for him.  Only problem was that the job was in Greenville, SC.  Well, we had to trust the Lord and walk through the doors that He opened.  We knew we wanted babies, and if moving the Greenville was the only way to get them, then we'd move.  And we did.  Do you know, the SAME day Mauricio started working in Greenville I got a positive pregnancy test!  I was pregnant with Marco.  That's God!  And I'm so happy we listened and moved to Greenville... I was able to stay home and take care of my baby, and then God blessed us with a second baby!

Now, since we moved to Greenville, our family has been whining and complaining about how far we live.  And I know, it is far.  So, since coming here, our prayer has been the same... lead us where we should go.  For two and a half years we heard nothing.  But now we have.  God opened up this door for us to be able to move back to Miami.

I have all these doubts and worries about moving back.  What will my life look like?  Will I be able to afford to remain a SAHM?  Will my family drive me bonkers?  I even started thinking that maybe this wasn't from God.  Maybe it was our will, or better yet, our parents' will, but not God's.  But then I had reassurance... Adele told me something great, "All good things come from God".  If this wasn't from God, it wouldn't have been laid out before us so perfectly.  Mauricio wouldn't have gotten the job.  He wouldn't have been made a generous offer.  We wouldn't have had 3 showings TODAY to show our apartment and be released from our lease agreement.  God is taking care of every.single.little.step.  Why do I doubt?

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28


So, here we go.  Walking into the unknown.  But, the door was opened by God.  So whatever lays beyond it is from Him and for us.  As long as we keep praying to Him, seeking His will and obeying, how can we ever be lead astray?

Movin' On Down

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:  

We're moving to Miami

in 2 weeks!

O.M.G.

Right now I'm feeling excited, overwhelmed, nervous, anxious and busy.  There is so much to do in 2 weeks... so many things to pack, so many loose ends to tie up, so many people to say goodbye to.

When we went down to Miami last month on vacation, Mauricio interviewed with an engineering firm, BE Aerospace.  His sister, Mirella and her husband Al work there and have been keeping an eye out for an opening for him.  He interviewed and things went smoothly.  But then time passed... and more time... and we thought things were cooling off and not going to happen.  It was a long shot anyway, and in order to move there, he needed to be made a nice $ offer.

Then yesterday, he received a phone call from an HR representative, saying that he was going to be extended an offer.  He received that offer, and seeing that it was good enough, we decided it was time to move on.  When he went in to tell his boss, he organized that his last official day be next Friday.  Then he'll take a week to pack/move, and finally begin at his new job by August 8.

This is all moving so quickly.

Initially, it looks like we'll be moving in with my in-laws.  First off, it's too quick to find something we REALLY want.  And secondly, in order to break our lease here, we'll have to continue paying rent until they get new tenants.  We can't afford to pay for rent here and rent there.  Even with the pay increase, it wont be enough... we're not millionaires!  But once we are all sorted out, we'll be looking to move to the Miramar area.

The change is really going to be bittersweet for me.  On the one hand, I'm so happy to be moving closer to my entire family.  It's been hard not having their support.  It's also been unfair for them not to be able to witness their grandchildren growing up... they've missed out on so much already!  On the other hand, I'm sad to be going... just when some of my friendships are starting to gain strength, just when my studio has become successful and consistant and just when I've become more active in my MOPS group.

We are trusting in God completely for this next step in our lives.  He has never lead us astray.  He brought us to Greenville for a season... and a good one at that!  I'll never be able to forget living in Greenville- this is where my babies were born!  Greenville taught me how to trust in God's provisions... even living on one salary, we never went hungry one day.  Greenville taught me how to rely completely on my husband and how to form an unshakeable team... being away from your family will do that to you.  Greenville women taught me how to be a serving and selfless mother who puts her family and children before other desires... being a SAHM is a sacrifice worth making!

I want to thank every Greenville mom who ever watched my kids, cooked me a meal, met up with me for a playdate or just said an encouraging word to get me through the day.  You truly touched my heart.

And to Carol- I will miss you most.  You have become close to me as a sister.  And though we may not see eye-to-eye on everything, you know I value your friendship and will never forget the kindness and generosity you showed me, Mau and the boys time and time again.  Just because I wont live here anymore doesn't mean I wont call you anymore... who will I talk to during naptime?!  I love you!

So, I'll keep you all updated as we go along this crazy journey.  God is in control and His plans are better than anything we could have planned for ourselves.  I hold onto that truth everyday.

Tubes

Since about January or February, we've been having ear issues at our house.  Both boys had double ear infections that would not quit.  They each had snotty noses, Jonas had lots of eye boogies, and Mauricio could smell the infections in their ears.  Isn't that amazing... he can SMELL it!  It's like his super power... detecting infections with his super human sniffing abilities!  In fact, most of the times that's how we know they have infections to begin with.  Mauricio will tell me their ears stink, I make an appointment and sure enough... ear infection!

My kids have never shown symptoms of being in discomfort or sick.  I don't get ear pulling, crankiness, clinginess, fever... nothing.  Occastionally we have a runny nose, but that's it.  There is really NO way for me to know if they are infected or not.  The ONLY time Marco has ever acted sick was when he had the stomach bug.  I must admit, I liked the clinginess a little... because I never get that from him!

So, they were each on a round of antibiotics... we went back to the doctor to get checked, where we learned it still wasn't cleared, and given another round of antibiotics. This routine happened 3 times.  Jonas had 3 rounds in a row and Marco had 4.  I mean, I'm not surprised that they kept passing the infection back and forth... really, Marco and Jonas french kiss each other a million times a day!  It was quite gross when they both had boogies running down their noses... they were like slurping up each other's germs... ewwwww!  I could try to contain it, but it was so hard!

About 2 weeks ago, we went to the pediatrician yet again to have a look at the ears.  I swear, we should just rent a room permanently at the pediatricians office... it's always something or another... it's one kid or the other.  So, she has a look and Jonas is cleared!  Woohooooo!  Marco, however, was not.  Boooo.  Another round of antibiotics for Marco... this was his 4th.  And then the dreaded speech came... it may be time to consider putting in tubes for Marco.  Oh no!

Today we went to see the ENT who would be doing the procedure if we agree to have it done.  He basically said that it's a quick procedure, about 15 minutes.  They give anestesia through a mask, so they have no need to inject or even put in an IV.  They would then put little tubes in the ears, sitting on the ear drums, that in essence allows the ear infection to have an escape route.  The tubes would fall out on their own in 1-2 years.

The amazing thing is that by the very next day, he should be back to normal.  He can even go swimming!  He said that given Marco's age, there should be no worries about going in the pool, because he wont be dunking or diving... at most it'll just splash, which is no problem at all.

So, I have talked to a few moms who have had the procedure done on their kids and so far I've heard nothing but positive things.  One of my student's mom says that once her daughter had it done, she has never had to go on antibiotics again for an ear infection!  And my sister-in-law, Bea, said that it was easy like 1-2-3 and nothing to be worried about.

Since I've grown up my whole life on one medication after another due to my various illnesses, I'm over it.  I do not want my children to be on medication... if it's absolutely necessary, then fine, but one round after another after another is not ok with me.  If I can find a permanent or semi-permanent solution that does not involve pumping my child's body with chemicals everyday, then I'll do it.  I think the risk of being on medication is far greater than the risk of having a procedure.

As you can see, I'm convinced.  The doctor said we can have it done by next week if we wanted.  I just have to talk it over with Daddy-o before we make our final decision.

If you've had to put your child through this, I'd love to hear your feedback!  Was it a positive or negative experience?  Anything I need to watch out for or question?  I need the advice of moms who've been there!  Please leave me a comment or you can email me at Tablefor4.Nicole@gmail.com.  Thanks!

My Heart Procedure

Today I went in to have a heart procedure called a Cardiac Ablation, and I have lived to tell the tale.  Honestly, it's a routine procedure and very low risk... so low risk in fact, that it's an outpatient procedure.  People are always shocked by that... yes, they were in my heart, and then sent me home.  But, they went into my heart through catheters, not by opening my chest.

It all began back when I was pregnant with Jonas.  I began feeling my heart rate accelerate spontaneously, and couldn't figure out why.  Sometimes it was after running after Marco, but sometimes it was while sitting on the couch.  There was no rhyme or reason to it.  So, I told my doctor and he sent me to the cardiologist that set me up with a 24 hour heart monitor.  As luck would have it, I did not have a single episode during those 24 hours.  The doctor kinda brushed it off saying that sometimes our bodies react strangely to pregnancy.  So even though it kept occurring, I didn't worry about it to much because I figured it was a weird pregnancy side-affect.

Then in December, when I became hospitalized in Miami for pneumonia, it started happening again.  This time it was extreme.  On the first day, my heart rate popped up to 185 and stayed there for over 20 minutes.  The nurses had to call a Code and everyone rushed in with panels and equipment.  They gave me a shot that  literally stopped my heart for a second or two before it came back to normal.  It scared the CRAP out of me.  It felt like an extreme pressure on my chest.  I immediately started crying because I was terrified.  The next day, my heart rate was flopping up and down... 180, 80, 175, 90... etc.  They told me they were going to have to inject me again with the heart stopper and I was dreading it.  Thankfully my heart gained control and we didn't have to.  But before they sent me home, they had an arrhythmia specialist come see me.  He explained that I didn't need a cardiologist... what I needed was an Electrophysiologist.  Talk about a specialist!

I made an appointment with the ONLY group in Greenville to specialize in arrhythmia.  Luckily, as I went in for my appointment, I was having an episode, so they were able to capture it on record.  My heart rate was at 183 for over 20 minutes while I was in the office.  The doctor, Dr. Rubenstein, explained my condition in detail and gave me my options.

He said that the heart is an electrical organ.  With every pulse, it releases an electrical cell, that travels from the top section to the bottom section, thus creating the boom-boom... top-bottom.  What seems to happen to me at times, is that the electrical cell gets stuck in a track and doesn't travel in it's normal pattern... that's why we get a rapid heart rate... boom-boom-boom-boom... top-top-top-top.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with anything I do or have done.  It doesn't happen when I'm angry, or running, or because of any medications I've taken in the past.  It is completely random and can happen to anyone.

My options to fix it were to either take a daily dose of medication or to have it fixed by doing the ablation.  Obviously, I chose the latter.  I made this decision because 1. Once it's fixed, it's fixed... it will not ever come back, in that spot.  and  2. I wont have to take any sustaining meds.  I was afraid that I'd have a heart attack while having one of those episodes, and Dr. R told me that although it wouldn't cause a heart attack, it would eventually cause heart failure.  Our hearts are electrical, like a battery.  When it is overworked, it dies sooner rather than later.  I need my heart to die as LATE as possible... I have a lot of work to do with my babies!

So, I went in today to get this thing over and done with.  I was nervous.  They prepped me and took me in to the OR.  Once there, they began wrapping me in a bunch of tarps (I was thinking about Dexter... sick, right?) and started my drugs.  They gave me one dose, but it didn't seem to make a difference, so they gave me another one... and that's all I remember.  I woke up hours later in the recovery room with my mom at my side.  I slept longer than I was supposed to, but when they tried to wake me, I was too groggy to do anything.  They went in through both my groins and my neck with catheters, so I had bandages covering those spots.

I'm still feeling sore and tired, but I'm doing well.  I can't walk up the stairs, so my amazing knight in shining armor, Mauricio, is carrying me around.  How romantic!  I should be back to normal within a day or two.  Thanks to all of you who have Facebooked me with prayers and kind words and thoughts.

Not by me, but by Him

Some may say my life has been one of meeting my obstacles head on, not allowing life to get me down, but moving forward always.  I can agree.  My life has not been easy, but the grace of God has always guided and strengthened me.  I have so many examples of which I can write, but I will choose one.

After being married to the love of my life for a ful year, we decided it was time to start thinking about bringing a little "us" into the picture.  We prayed abou tit and decided to consult my doctors about the decision.  Since I had always lived with major health difficulties, it was important to get the green light from them before proceeding with our plans.

I made an appointment with my Pulmonologist and informed him of our plan to conceive.  He looked at me with skeptical eyes and with very little sympathy in his voice, he said, "That's probably not a good idea.  You should just adopt, but don't risk having your own children".  I sat in my paper gown atop the examination table and began to shiver.  Tears swelled in my eyes and poured down my cheeks as my dreams of having my own children started to evaporate.  How could he dismiss all of my dreams and desires in one simple sentence?  I was devastated.

Mauricio and I began to pray feverishly about what God had planned for our life.  He had always made a way for us and given me strength to do things beyond the limitations set for me by others.  He reminded me of all the things He pulled me through in the past.

* When I was a 5th grader and I wanted to be a cheerleader, people said it wasn't a good idea.  But I did it anyway.  Although I was quite possibly the worst cheerleader in the history of cheering, I completed the season.

* When I was 16 and they told me I needed a lung transplant and would no longer live the life of a normal teen, I proved them all wrong.  Time and time again I was TOO healthy to recieve a transplant and kept on getting skipped on the list for people who needed a lung for a life or death situation.  Eventually they pulled me off the list all together.

*  When I was applying for college and wanted to be an Opera major, the professors and administration said it wasn't a good idea.  My lungs did not have the capacity to handle the rigor of the repertoire.  And my arthritis would be affected too greatly with the staging and long days on my feet.  But I did it anyway.  And I graduated on time!

*  When I wanted to move out on my own and begin working, people said it wasn't a good idea.  They said I should stay near my family in case something happened.  They said I wouldn't be able to handle working full time with children and maintain my own house.  But I did it anyway.  And I was good at my job too!

God pulled me through all of these things that mere man said I could not do.  I realized it wasn't by my efforts, but by God's grace.  I realized that if he pulled me through those petty and insignificant desires, how much more would he grant me the true desire of my heart... to be a mom.  We decided to trust in Him completely.

In October of 2008, we conceived my first son, Marco and decided to move 700 miles away from our family.  People said we were crazy to have a baby and do it all by ourselves while being so far from my family.  People said we couldn't afford to live off of one income, to allow me to be a stay-at-home-mom. People said we would struggle.  And when we conceived our second son, Jonas, they said it all again.  But we are doing it anyway!  And not by our hands, but by God's hands, which guide us every single step of the way.

Movin' On Up

We've decided to move.  (Don't get excited, O-Towners and Miamians, we're only moving 3 miles down the road).  Our lease at our current appartment expires in March and we were faced with a decision... find something else or re-sign.  We were praying for God to point us in the right direction.

For a while, it felt like God was telling us to stay.  We had been looking for rental properties and the options were limited, expensive or just nasty.  Then we went into our apartments leasing office to give our 60 notice (just in case) and they informed us that rent was going to be increased this year by $150.  That week we also had a run in with our upstairs neighbor, who called the cops on us because Jonas was crying! (what a witch... with a B!).  So, we then thought maybe He wasn't telling us to stay... but there still wasn't anything else out there.

Then on Monday, a property that had been on the market, reduced their rent and became in our price range.  It's exactly what we need; $50 less than what we pay now, more space, no upstairs neighbors, a back yard and porch, and a garage!  And it's available the 1st weekend in March... which is the same weekend we'd have to move out of here.  Is this a God thing or what?!

So, this new place is a 3 story townhouse, only 3 miles from where we currently live.  On the 1st floor is a 1 car garage, and a bedroom with a bathroom, which will become my studio.  This is absolutely ideal because that way my students will only be on our 1st floor and we can have some privacy in the rest of the house.  The 2nd floor has the living room, dining room, half bath, kitchen (with an island), breakfast nook and a porch.  This is also ideal because we can now eat in the breakfast nook, which does not have carpet!  And, the dining room can become a playroom for the boys!  The 3rd floor has the master with a bathroom (with a garden tub and TWO sinks), a hall bathroom and another big bedroom.  This is ideal because the boys will be sharing a room and it is way big enough for both cribs, and will still be big enough when we turn those cribs into "big boy beds".

God is sooooo good.  I am always amazed at how He provides for us and guides us in every step.  His timing is always right.  We are truly blessed.  The only thing I'm worried about is handling all the stairs, but I know God will take care of that too.

So in the next few weeks we have a lot of packing to do to get ready for the big move.  We've got to pack tons of boxes with clothes, toys, books, knick-knacks, dishes, and whatever else I may have forgotten.  Oh yeah, and we can't forget our kids!

PS.  We are now accepting volunteers to help with the move.  Free pizza will be provided! :)

Artsy Fartsy

Music has always been my passion.  I've been singing since the time I could talk and joined my first chorus at age 4.  I had my first solo when I was 7 and immediately got the performance bug... I'd never be the same.  Throughout school, I was always referred to as "Nicole- the one who sings".  It didn't bother me at all... it was my pre-fame.  My favorite subjects were chorus and musical theatre... and I excelled at both.  

When high school was over, I decided to go on and study vocal performance in college.  My father said, "Nicole, think about it... this is a life long decision with life long repercussions.  Why don't you study business instead?"  "No Daddy, I can't... Singing is my passion and I'll only be happy doing it!" "Well, what are you going to do with it?  Teach?"  "Uh, no... PERFORM... I'm a PERFORMANCE major!"  

When college was finishing up, I began thinking of grad schools.  I had passed the first round of auditions for the Manhattan School of Music and flew there for the second round.  I got off the plane and within the hour, my voice was gone.  The cold weather does not suit me.  The more I thought and prayed about moving to New York and continuing to pursue my performance degree, the more I felt God pulling me in a different direction.  I was at a crossroads... move to New York or stay in a relationship with Mauricio... I couldn't have both.  

It's no surprise that I chose the latter.  I moved to Orlando and became what I said I would NEVER become... a teacher.  The ONLY reason I enjoyed teaching was because I was able to sing and create music.  Everything else about it sucked... the pay, the disciplining, the lack of support, the drama.  I did it for 4 years, but could not see myself doing it always. 

Now, after not working in a school for nearly 2 years in order to stay home and raise my babies, I really can't see myself going back.  I teach voice privately every afternoon, and I love doing that!  Everything about it rocks... the music, the students, the pay, the no need for disciplining, the support from my husband.  But I'm beginning to feel a shift coming on.  Of course I'm going to continue teaching privately, but I'm feeling the need to do something more. 

I've always loved to read.  And since I've started this blog, I've realized that I kinda love writing as well.  And I think I'm pretty good at it too!  In the past, I've considered writing a book, but it seems like such a massive endeavor that I'm completely stumped as to where I should begin.  So, I've decided to enroll in a Creative Writing online course through Clemson.  I know I wont be publishing a book anytime soon, but maybe it'll get my creative juices flowing and organized.  Who knows?  Maybe I will be a published author some day?  

So instead of being a "starving musician", I'll give being a "starving writer" a shot.  Why couldn't I have just gone into business like my dad suggested?  Oh yeah, because I would have died of suffocation! 

A Difficult Decision Made

Throughout my entire pregnancy with Jonas, I had high hopes that I'd make it to term.  I would get annoyed when other women would complain about being full term, while knowing full well the consequences of having a premie.  Marco was a premie... not a severe one, but one none-the-less.  36 weeks is still considered premature.  As you've read before, he had difficulty breathing, was in the NICU and was on constant medication for the first 10 months of his life.  This is hard on any parent, and not something that you want a repeat of. 


So, I have always said that if #2 was also a premie, I'd have to take action.  I can not assume that it's TWO coincidences or flookes.  No, this is because of me.  I have to assume that MY body can not hold a baby to term.  There have been other thoughts on the matter, such as getting pregnant too soon after the first, but these are just theories... not guarantees.  


Having one premie is difficult, having two is even harder... I fear having three would be unbearable!  
During the course of my stay at the hospital, I had a lot of time to think and pray over this matter.  I knew Jonas was going to be another premie... that was already determined.  
The decision I had ahead of me: Should I permanently "close up shop" by getting my tubes tied (and cut, and burned), or should I wait on it?  


On the one hand, I knew that it would be a simple procedure, because I was already having a c-section.  This would also eliminate the need to go under the knife later, or force Mauricio to get it done- I'd have to drag him in kicking and screaming!  I also thought that IF my assumptions were correct, and I couldn't carry to term, then chances are I'd have yet ANOTHER premie.  And, the chances were high that the third would be earlier than the previous two.  Could I handle having another premie... emotionally?  Could my body handle carrying another child... physically?  


On the other hand, I felt like I was cheating my husband out of the opportunity of being a father again.  I felt like I was too young (27) to be making a decision that was so permanent and would affect the balances of our family forever.  I felt like Mauricio was too young (24) to be deciding if our family was truly complete.  A part of my heart was still holding on to the idea of one day having a baby girl.  I didn't want to cheat him out of having a daughter.  It still breaks my heart a little. 


After much consideration, I decided to have to procedure done.  FOUR of my OB's came to speak with me, urging me to have it done.  They said that they didn't think my body could handle another pregnancy and that I was a perfect candidate to have it done.  I felt like the Lord was talking to me through them.  Really, shouldn't I be so incredibly grateful to have TWO boys?!  Shouldn't I be encouraged that even though they are both premies, they are still perfect and healthy?  Why am I sometimes blinded by my own selfish desires and I fail to see all that He has already blessed me with?!  I couldn't selfishly put my life on the line again for the chance of having another baby.  What if something horrible happened?  What if the third is a really early baby and we lose it?  I couldn't live with myself knowing that I could have chosen differently.  What if my body failed completely and I died, leaving Mau to raise two or three children on his own?  How selfish of me... and for what?! 
There are so many people, family and good friends of mine, who are unable to have children.  I, who have already been blessed with two, should not continue to endanger myself for the selfish desire of being a "super mom".  I already AM a "SUPER MOM"!  


Thankfully, my adoring husband was behind me 1000%, and supported my decision whole heartedly.  I had the Tubal done immediately after Jonas was born.  It still makes me sad to think about, but I have to remind myself that I did it for my family.  I did it because I love Mauricio and Marco and Jonas much much more than the IDEA of having another child.  They are my family... they are the ones that need me now... and there is nothing I wouldn't do to protect that.