A Modest Mama

If you know me in real life, you know that I'm not a very modest person... much to my husband's dismay. If we're in a group of girls, I'll change in front of everyone... why not?  I pee with the door open and I talk on the phone while on the toilet too... yeah, so?  I had NO problem with nursing in public... while I tried to be modest, if a little boob slipped out, oh well.

I grew up in a family that doesn't know the meaning of "modest'.  My mom still gets dressed in front of me and after I had my babies, she even helped me shower.  No shame.  It's my MOM!

But having boys kinda threw me for a loop.  My mom doesn't have any sons, so I couldn't ask her, and my mother-in-law is modest to the max, so I couldn't really ask her either.  Two extreems.

When exactly is the right time to stop dressing (or rather, undressing) in front of your son?

I got the answer... Yesterday.  Yesterday was the right time for me to stop dressing in front of my son.

When Jonas was born, Marco was only 15 months, so when I would whip-it-out to breastfeed, Marco didn't know or care.  As he grew, it was the norm.  He just didn't think about it.  I quit breastfeeding in September, (almost 6 months ago), and so the breast sightings have been less frequent.  You know, just not every 3 hours.

But what I've seen is that now, instead of it being the norm, Marco is starting to notice... he's starting to stare.  A few months ago, I knew we were coming onto this because when I took off my clothes, he looked up with a questioning face and said, "Mama? Wass dat?  That for Jonas milk?" And I told him that it was, but not anymore. A few other times, he's just looked.  And sometimes he passes his hand over my breasts while cuddling... once he even gave it a squeeze!

Well, yesterday he was trying to poop and taking forever and I wanted to shower.  Since we're at our in-law's, the 4 of us share a bathroom.  So I just started taking off my clothes to jump in.  I turned my back to him, so he wouldn't get the whole view, and he smacked my butt and said, "it's your boody", (which is fine, doesn't bother me), but then he wanted to see the pee-pee too.  He said, "Mama, where's your pee-pee?" I just hopped in the shower, hoping to stop any further questioning.

From the shower he continued to ask me, "Mama, you don't have pee-pee?" and I said, "No, I'm a girl".  I mean, really, I never thought I'd have to explain this to my two-year-old.  When he finished his business, he tried to pull open the curtain to have himself a good look... thankfully Mauricio stopped him.  Mauricio took him to another room, but within a few minutes, he had escaped, came running back in the bathroom and tried to look in again!

I know he's just curious.  I know that he doesn't understand and that he sees a difference between me and the rest of our little family.  He sees his dad and brother naked all the time, and he knows that they don't look the same way I do.  And his curiosity doesn't bother me, really.  But I'm not about to give him an anatomy lesson using my own body, either.  That's going overboard.

So what do I do?  (Aside from stopping the daily peep shows, of course.)  Moms of boys, how did you know it was time?

One thing is for sure, from now on I'm keeping my clothes on.  I'm about to become a modest mama.

Retired

This may very well be my final breastfeeding post. I am officially permanently retired from breastfeeding. And as expected, it is bitter-sweet.

Breastfeeding has become such a major part of my life as I've been doing it for so long now. Saying I'm "retired" makes me feel like I'm losing a little piece of myself. I started when Marco was born and he weaned on his own after 13 months... Then I had a 2 month vacation and started again for Jonas until now, 12 months later. That means I have been lactating for 27 months total. That's a long time... It's no wonder I feel this way!

I know I probably wasn't going to breastfeed for much longer anyway, but it makes me sad that I wasn't able to allow Jonas to decide when he was done, as I did with Marco. I know Jonas doesn't want to be done, because he lays his head on my chest and whines or sometimes spits out his pacifier and lunges at my boobs. Even though it's funny, it also makes me a bit sad. Unfortunately I had to wean due to the medication I'm starting in about 2 weeks. Basically it's poison, and I don't want my baby to drink poison, so there.

I am happy to be regaining my freedom though. Now I can actually be away from my kids for a whole day, or dare I day, a whole weekend! Hello vacation! I can't wait for the day! I mean, it has also been 27 months since we've been a day without them... That's right, we've never spent a day away from our kids! Crazy right? But I'm sure if we ever get the chance, we'll miss them like crazy. We're sort of attached to them... Because we love them a little, ya know?

But now that I'm done, I have a few concerns... First off my boobs... They're just sad looking. 2 full years of feeding children will do that to ya. They are completely deflated and I've lost a ton of muscle mass. Before having kids I was very blessed in the bosom department. I was sporting DD's. Then after having Marco, things got out of control when I bought a size G nursing bra. Yes, G as in Gigantic. But now? None of my bras fit... I'm swimming in them. I'm not sure because I haven't been sized, but I'm pretty sure were looking for at a B or C. The last time I was that size I was 14. I really don't mind the reduction though... It makes me look thinner, less slutty and my clothes fit nicer, but I do mind the way they look. I'm hoping that after a while I'll regain some volume and they'll start looking nicer. Plastic surgery is out of the question for this Mama.

Another concern is whether or not I'll begin to gain weight now that I'm done. Breastfeeding burns calories. Lots and lots of them. Most of my weight loss I attribute to breastfeeding. You're supposed to eat 500 extra calories a day while breastfeeding to compensate for the output. Now that I'm done, do you think I want to give up those extra 500 calories? Umm, no. So now I'm wondering if I can maintain my weight. And for the record, I have gained some weight and I'm extremely pleased with the way I look at the moment.

Tomorrow Jonas turns 1 and he was completely weaned by last weekend. I can not tell you the sense of accomplishment that I have over the fact that I made it to a year with both my children. It was by no means easy. It was a huge sacrifice with many sleepless night, no dates, sore boobs, leakage, wardrobe malfunctions and public indecency. But man, was it worth every stinkin' second. I know in my heart of hearts that I did the very best for my babies. That I put them above my comfort, my desires an even my health. That their well being was more important than my agenda. I am so proud of myself. I did it!!!

As a reward for my amazing accomplishment, I'm going to be buying 3 super awesome and maybe sexy bras... That actually fit properly. I'm so excited. Make room Victoria's Secret... Here I come!!!

Here We Go Again...

Today I decided to try and introduce Jonas to cows milk for the first time.  Remember when I said I was going to be weaning... like 6 months ago?  Yeah, I never did.  Forget it... I love breastfeeding too much.  And honestly, if I didn't HAVE to wean at this point, I wouldn't either.  But now it really is time.  I've done well... 11 months so far... but I want him on all cows milk by the time he's 13 months.  My RA symptoms are coming back with a vengeance and it's time to go back on meds.  I don't feel good about having a chemical cocktail inside my body, traveling through my milk and into my baby... hence, the weaning shall commence.   

Unfortunately, it didn't go so well today... what a shocker.  I decided to cut out my afternoon feeding first.  So, after lunch, I prepared a cup of cold cows milk for him.  Since he was thirsty, he began chugging it... and I thought "oh, my good boy isn't gonna give me a problem like Marco... what a good eater".  That was until his thirst was quenched.  Then he would take a sip and let it fall out of his mouth.  So I decided to warm it up.  Try again.  No luck.  He'd take a sip, shake his head and spit it out.  Ok, let's try to add some honey.  I laid him on my lap like I was going to nurse him, gave him the sippy... he took a sip and spit it out.

Oh boy, here we go again...

Marco gave me this SAME problem.  It's so bad, that we gave up... that's right... my toddler does not drink milk.  None.  Not a drop.  Which has been challenging because I have to be sure he gets enough calcium.  Basically, every day he takes a calcium supplement, eats at least 1 cheese stick and has at least 1 cup of yogurt.  I have exhausted my options on how to give Marco his milk.  Here are all the ways I've tried... you can mix and match on your own and see just how many options I've given him... and none have worked:

Temp:            Method:                Additives:
Cold               In a cup                Honey
Warm             In a sippy             Sugar
Hot                 In a straw cup      Splenda
                       In a mug              Chocolate
                       In a bottle            Vanilla
                       With cereal          Strawberry
                                                   Breast-milk

The warm milk in a bottle with honey worked for a few months... then nada.  So I tried to thirst him out.  He went to sleep and when he woke up in the morning, I offered him milk... he refused.  Then snack time, I offered him more milk.  He still refused.  Lunch, milk, refusal.  It was 2 in the afternoon when I finally gave up.  I was afraid he'd get dehydrated!  He hadn't had a DROP of any liquids since the night before!  Talk about strong willed!!!  So, I came to the realization that he just doesn't like it.  And I gave up all together.  He has never asked for milk again.  And the few times I've tried to reintroduce it has yielded the same results.

I was REALLY hoping that Jonas would be different.  But I fear I'm going to have another battle ahead of me.

The only honest conclusion I can come up with is that I must have some rockin', good tasting, never duplicated, out-of-this-world breast-milk.  I should bottle this stuff!  Who's buyin'?

Weaning

The dreaded 6 month weaning began yesterday.  Dreaded because I was hoping to be doing this after we celebrated Jonas' first birthday, but as you read in my previous post, that is not a possibility.  So, although it breaks my stinkin' heart, I have begun.

We went this weekend and bought Jonas a bottle.  I've heard wonderful things about this bottle... Breast Flow.  It's supposed to be perfect for exclusively breastfed babies because it emulates the breast so well.  It's weird because it has 2 nipples, but the outer nipple even feels a little boob-ish.  And, when you squeeze it, milk squirts out... you can actually milk the bottle.  Kinda funny... and fun!




Although we bought the bottle over the weekend, we couldn't begin until yesterday because the outer nipple was mysteriously missing.  Well, not so mysterious... Marco got a hold of the bottle and parts were EVERYWHERE.  I finally located all the pieces to this complex feeding tool and put it to use.

My feeding schedule is roughly:
9:00 am
12:00 noon with puree
4:00 pm
8:00 pm with puree
11:00 pm
4:00 am (or later if I pray really hard and Jesus loves me extra much)

So, I decided to start weaning with the 4 in the afternoon feeding.  For one, it's between meals, so it's sort of a snack.  Secondly, we're always home at this time because I work shortly thereafter, so I don't have to pack a bottle.  It's only been two days, and Jonas is taking the bottle super well.  I, on the other hand, feel like I'm going to explode by dinner time.  I know it'll only take a few more days to get regulated... and then it's time to switch over another feeding.

I think the next one I'll switch will be the 9am one.  I can give him a bottle while Marco is drinking his milk on the couch watching Super Why.  Plus, he'll be having breakfast (starting on Friday) too, so he should be good and full.

The only one I'm not going to switch over is the 4am... which I'm praying that by the time we get there, he'll be sleeping through the night... (Jesus, did you hear that?  Pleeeeeease.)  Because there is no way... NO WAY I am climbing down the stairs to prepare a bottle and actually feed it to him at that God forsaken hour.  I will continue to nurse in my sleep... forever and ever... amen.

For now, he'll be supplemented with my crazy freezer stash, and as we get to having more bottles and less boob each day, I'll begin to add... formula.  (ok, I know it's not poison, but it still bothers me and it's still not breast milk.)

He's also started eating his veggies... So far we've got Sweet Potatoes and Green Beans down.  On deck, we've got Bananas and after that some Butternut Squash.  We're gonna fatten this boy UP!

Scary Skinny

For those of you that have known me for a while, you know that I've never been a "skinny girl".  True, I've never been FAT either, but I've always been a little round around the edges.

I was at my heaviest when I was a senior in high school, weighing 160.  I know that for some of you 160 is great, but I am not athletic, so that 160 includes NO muscles... seriously, none.  Then, when I started college, I joined weight watchers and lost 20 pounds safely and healthily.  But, after falling into some health problems which lead to depression, I dropped another 20 pounds by not eating much.  I was weighing 120 and although I looked good, I wasn't healthy.  When my depression subsided, and I fell in love with Mauricio, I gained more weight... pretty much back to my 160.  That's where I was at when I got engaged in September of 2006.

I was determined to lose some weight for my wedding, so I changed some eating habits and was able to lose 20 pounds with no difficulty at all.  Here I am by July of 2007.

I was able to maintain my weight throughout that first year of marriage... yes, I beat the odds!  I was afraid that having children would change my body a lot and that since I had yoyo-ed so much in the past, that I'd have a hard time losing my baby weight.  When I got pregnant with Marco in October 2008, I was weighing 143.  I ate and ate... I gave in to a lot of my cravings (not all though) and still had a very hard time putting on weight during Marco's pregnancy.  By the time I went in to labor, I had only gained 15 pounds.  The day after Marco was born, I was weighing LESS than before I got pregnant.  Most women would be jealous... and I was happy! 

Thanks to breastfeeding, I lost more weight than expected.  I was looking good... my stomach was nice and flat (for the first time ever).  I had to buy new jeans... size 6!  Here I was in February of 2010... I was weighing about 135.  

Then, I got pregnant again.  At my first doctors appointment, I was weighing 133.  Again, I had a hard time gaining weight... but this time because I was still breastfeeding Marco and chasing around a mobile baby.  Although Jonas was born early, I had only gained 4 pounds.  FOUR pounds... and he weighed 3.7.  Um, thats not good.  I was weighing 125, and again had to buy new jeans... this time a size 3.  I have never... and I mean NEVER (like, not even in middle school) worn a size 3.  I was happy I was skinny... even with 2 kids... talk about a hot mama!  Here I was in December.

But then, the weight just kept on dropping.  I was doing more, but I wasn't eating more.  And, I SWEAR I did not do this on purpose... it's like it didn't dawn on me what was happening.  I was breastfeeding a baby, not sleeping enough, chasing a toddler and sharing food.  I was not eating my extra 500 calories for breastfeeding, and I'd be surprised if I was eating anywhere close to the amount of calories I needed.  Before I knew it, I was weighing 118.  My size 3's began to slip.

Then, a few weeks ago, I went to the doctor, stood on the scale and I was weighing a SHOCKING 108.  O.M.G.  That is not right.  I am not a 10 year old.  I should not be weighing that little.  My doctor was not pleased.  He said I needed to eat more... put on weight... stop sharing food... and sadly, stop breastfeeding.  NOOOOOOO!

I was a little apprehensive about that last part.  I knew I had to stop sharing with Marco... and I have.  I knew I needed to eat more... and I've been force feeding myself.  But stop breastfeeding... say it ain't so!
I finally decided that it was necessary when we went in for Jonas' 6 month check up.  He was weighing 7.14 lbs.  At his 4 month appointment, he was 7.0.  That means that in 2 months, he didn't even gain a full pound.  Who's fault could that be?  Who else, but me?  My milk must not be as nutritious and fatty as it needs to be in order to bulk him up.  So, we've started cereal and veggies.  I am beginning to wean, starting by using my stash (which is fatty milk back from when I was heavier) and then switching to... (I can barely say it)... formula.  It makes me sad that I wasn't able to stay healthy enough to breastfeed for a year.  But the truth is, that switching will make us BOTH more healthy.

So, yes, I can totally rock a bikini this summer... but at what cost?

Here I am today... exact weight unknown, but too skinny for sure.

Breast-Food?

This morning, Mauricio emailed me with this article today.  If you don't have time to read it, it's about a cafe in London that is selling breast-milk ice-cream for $22 a bowl.  That's a little steep for a bowl of ice-cream, don't ya think?  And here I am complaining about the $7 we spend at Cold Stone every once in a while!

Well this got me thinking.  I have a freezer FULL of breast-milk!  See, no food... just milk!

When I was originally pumping this milk, while Jonas was in the NICU for 28 days, I had considered donating it.  (See  this post).  But the more I looked into it, the more I read about guidelines and regulations... such as, storing, freezing and shipping methods.  Unfortunately I had already bottled so many of them, that it wasn't going to be feasible.  So I figured I'd just use it up little by little, and then in his cereal.  Problem is... we can't go through it fast enough!

Maybe I should look into using this milk in other ways, instead of just dumping it once it expires.  I started researching ways to use my milk.  Some sites say to dump it in coffee as creamer... but we don't drink coffee.  Then I found this site that has recipes... REAL RECIPES... using breast-milk.  I guess basically you can use breast-milk in anything... only it's thinner and sweeter than cow's milk.  But seriously, who would know?!

When I asked Mau if he would have some breast-milk ice-cream, his answer was simple... "no".  I asked, "Not even mine".  Again, the answer was "no".  And I thought this man loved me?!  haha.  But, if I slipped some breast-milk in muffins or a cake, would he even know the difference?  If I make a delicious smoothie using iced breast-milk, could he tell?  Probably not.  (And now he's always going to second guess... bwahahahaha).

That site also has a recipe for breast-milk soap.  This is great because you can used expired milk for it too!  It's probably so nourishing for dry skin and sensitive baby bottoms.  I think I'll definitely try that... even if Mau "refuses" to use it.

Ok, I can feel the faces you're making just reading this.  No, I'm not a hippie and no, I don't want to live in a commune, and no, I'm probably not going to start a compost any time soon.  But, why waste it?!  Let me just step up on my soap box for a minute here...

You will drink COW'S milk... and feed your children COW'S milk, but not breast-milk?  Does this make any sense?  Cow's milk is for... COWS!  Goat's milk is for... GOATS!  Mammals lactate to feed their children... not to feed other species' children!  We are mammals, and hence we should use OUR milk... HUMAN milk, to feed our families.  Wouldn't it be something if once we became mothers and started lactating, we began feeding our entire families with our milk?  We could make all dairy products, cook with it and drink it.  And now with the whole "organic" and "green" movement, this makes more sense than ever!  What's more organic than "home-grown milk"?!  By the way, have you ever seen a cow's utters... gu-ross!  Do you personally know the cow that is providing your family with milk?  It probably isn't Bessy, your families cow that you raised since calf-hood.  You have NO IDEA what cow it is... you have NO IDEA what that cow is being fed... you have NO IDEA the living conditions or cleanliness of the cow.  And yet, this is preferable to milk from a woman living with you... because it's not as "icky"... yeah, that makes a lot of sense!

Now, that said, I'm not about to continue lactating indefinitely to feed my family.  I hate pumping and I'd probably have to force feed it to some people!  But, I'm not going to let my entire freezer stash go down the drain, so YES, I am going to be looking into these recipes and preparing some breast-milk friendly food.  If you come over, best ask before you eat!  You never know what might be hidden in our food.

Readers, I'd love to hear what you have to say about this!  Please leave a comment!

Feeding Time Torture

As if it's not bad enough that I spend multiple hours a day sitting on the couch breastfeeding Jonas, but he always has to add to it with torture.  Jonas always releases the stinkiest farts while he's eating.  And lucky for me, they float upwind and straight into my nostrils!  This is my own personal torture session... 6 times a day, at least.

But I guess it's worth it because I look down and see his little angel face with sweet satisfaction.  You know I loooove breastfeeding, and not even the most rancid smelling gas could ever keep me away from it!

Grow, Baby- But Let Me Sleep

Jonas is going through a pretty big growth spurt right now.  This is awesome for him!  He was weighed today, and at 8 weeks, he's 5 lbs 2 oz.  He's no longer fitting in his premie wear (primarily due to height) and will only be in premie diapers till we run out.  Yay!  Awesome for him, right?... Utterly exhausting for me!

When Marco went through his first growth spurt, I was told "Turn on Netflix, sit on the couch and feed him for 2-3 days".  Sounds easy... and it wasn't so bad... but that's because it was JUST Marco.  Now, it's 2!  I can't just sit on the couch without rising for 2-3 days to feed Jonas.  I need to feed, change, clothe, play with and attend to my other child to.  And while I do that, Jonas is screaming bloody murder the ENTIRE time!

Jonas gets so worked up while waiting to be fed, that once he gets on the boob, he falls asleep!  So, I pull him off, burp him gently and try to put him down... where upon he wakes up and realizes he's STILL hungry!  It's a vicious cycle.

The worst is at night.  I get so frustrated and angry.  Once I'm sleep deprived, it's not a pretty sight.  Last night, Jonas fed at 11:30, 2:30, 4:00 and 7:00.  He only went longer on the last stretch because he was sleeping in our bed.  By that point, I was a cry baby myself.  As I said, it was not a pretty sight... I threw a tantrum, like a toddler!  Kicking sheets, crying, tossing myself from one side of the bed to the other... the works.  Thankfully, I have an understanding (and amazing) husband who got up and brought him to our bed.  Although my response at that time was, "I don't want Jonas to sleep with us, get him out of here! (REAL mature!).

I am so lucky that Mauricio is willing and eager to get up and take some of the feedings off my hands.  On weekends, we trade off, every other feeding, during the night.  I still have to wake up to pump, but that's only 10 minutes, versus the 30-45 that a normal feeding would take.  During the week, Mau wakes up for the early morning feeding (5:30 or 6am) and lets me sleep in.

Then this morning, when Mauricio got up to feed him in the early am, so I could catch a few more zz's, he made a mistake with grand repercussions.  He tried to microwave Jonas' bottle.  Two problems with this:  1. You NEVER nuke breast milk, and 2. The Dr. Browns bottle apparently couldn't handle the microwave because it got pierced somehow, making it unusable.  He didn't mean to do it, but had morning brain and got confused between Marco's bottle (which we microwave) and Jonas' bottle (which we heat in a glass of hot water).  What are the grand repercussions?  Well, that was the ONLY one we had... so until I get my butt back to the store, I'm flying solo through this growth spurt.

I just have to continue to tell myself these two simple words over and over and pray that I can get through... "It's Temporary"!  This is my LAST baby, and each growth spurt is one of my last ones ever. They say to "enjoy every minute"... but these are some minutes I don't think I'll EVER learn to enjoy.

A Night at the NICU

In anticipation for a NICU baby's homecoming, it is required that a parent spend the night in the NICU in order to practice keeping your baby.  This seems silly to someone like me, who has a healthy baby, but for parents who need to learn how to care for their babies with medicine, monitors, and other special needs, this time is very valuable.  When we had the sleep over with Marco, I was annoyed and upset... truth be told, I was over-the-top emotional about it!  I felt like it was no longer about the baby proving himself ready, but about me proving how good and capable a parent I am.  At this point, I'm just over it.  I'll do whatever it takes to get him home... even if I have to prove to be the best mom this NICU has ever seen!  I'll do it!
Last night I got the opportunity to spend the night with Jonas.  They put us in a Family Learning Room, which has a futon bed, rocking chair, bathroom... oh, and the baby!  It's no luxury suite, but hey, at least I've got my baby!

The nurses are told to basically leave you alone.  You are supposed to fend for yourself... which is fine by me!  They come in and check on you periodically, but pretty much you're on your own.  

Last night I got here around 7pm.  He was supposed to eat at 9pm, so at that time, I got ready to breastfeed.  He fed for about 10 minutes, and then while burping him, he spit up a great deal.  The nurse came in, helped me change his clothes and told me to give him a bottle instead.  So, he ate 40cc's from the bottle... then while burping him, he had a projectile spit up... ALL over me!  The nurse came back in and re-changed his clothes.  We were debating as to whether or not we should feed him AGAIN, and risk him spitting up yet AGAIN, but while we were changing him, he was rooting for his hands and tried to latch onto the nurses wrist!  So, I offered him the breast again and he drank for 7 minutes before passing out!  By the time it was all said and done, it was 10:30pm!  I couldn't believe it... he had been such a good baby for the 4 weeks he's been here and then within the 3 hours I'm with him, he proves to be problematic!  Just acting up for Mama! 

The nurse then told me to feed him again at 1am... so I set my alarm... and COMPLETELY ignored it!  Yup, Mother Of The Year, right here!  I woke up at 2 instead.  The thing with premie's is that they usually wont wake up when they're hungry.  YOU have to wake them up to tell them that they must be hungry.  By 2am, he was SO ready!  

After that, I was paranoid that I would ignore my alarm again, so I was waking up every 15 minutes or so to check the clock.  How annoying!  Needless to say, I haven't missed another feeding!

So it has been said that he is coming home today.  At 1pm we have our Infant CPR class and then at 4 we have our monitor training.  Since he's still having heart dips (his heart rate will drop momentarily and then return to normal), he'll be coming home with a heart monitor.  He's also on a daily dose of caffeine to keep his heart rate steady.  Like baby speed.  He also has to pass his car seat test- 1 hour in a car seat without having difficulty breathing.  Once all these things have been done, and all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed, we get to have our baby!

I can't wait to have this little bundle in my house... I can't wait to see the way Marco reacts to his baby bro, who's not going away!  Stay tuned... it's about to get interesting! 

And here's one more pic... because I love showing off my babies!

Pumping Power

I'm not one to easily give up.  I will breastfeed Jonas and that's that.  But, right now, being in the NICU and unable to even latch on, I'm unable to breastfeed.  Since I gave birth, I've been pumping around the clock, every 3 hours to produce and store enough milk to feed him while he's in the NICU as well as have a hefty stash at home.
In the last 2, almost 3 weeks, I've gone through over 200 2oz storage bottles, and have brought so much milk into the NICU that they've asked me to stop!  So, since the hospital wont take any more, just have a look at what's become of my freezer!

Those little bottles go all the way to the back and are piled as high as allowable.  Really, will I need this much milk?!  There's no room for food!

So, in order to make more room in my ever shrinking freezer, I've decided to switch to storage bags which can be laid flat and essentially will hold more milk.  Sounds like a win-win, right?  We'll see.  I decided to buy these bags:

These bags impressed me at first.  Look, I can pump directly into them, saving time and cleaning!  But, they are quite difficult to handle.  It's tricky getting the bag secured over the shield and you have to monitor the bag to be sure you don't get bubbles and the milk stays on the top.  When you're done, you have to tear a perforated edge and close a very hard zipper, which I'm sure will be a cinch at 3am.  I would gladly take all of these defects if it does it's job and keeps my freezer looking a little more roomy.  Oh, but I forgot to mention the price... $18.99 for 50 bags.  Let's do a little math here.  If I'm pumping 8 times a day and I have 2 breasts, then I'm going to need 16 bags a day.  Therefore, these bags will last me 3 days!  THREE DAYS!!!  Uhh, those little blue bottles up top are provided free from the hospital.  So, what should I do?  Pay $20 every 3 days to have a more orderly freezer, or become ultra creative with how to store those blue bottles and keep some cash in my pocket?  Oh, life is full of conundrums. 

Now, have I mentioned that I HATE pumping... as in despise it, as in it's my daily torture (or rather 8 times a day torture).  It's tedious, monotonous, boring and lonely.  Not to mention, if it's your first time, super painful!  Pumping is way more painful than breastfeeding.  Think, your infant has an itty-bitty mouth, while this machine is merciless!  

I'm living my life in 3 hour intervals.  Wanna go out?  Sure, but I gotta be home at a certain time to pump... boo.  When you have a newborn, you still live in 3 hour intervals, but at least you're not on house arrest.  If you have to feed your baby, you can do it anywhere!  

Since I am having my pump do the job of a baby, I had to get a hospital grade pump.  The first one I got was this one:

This is the Medela Symphony Double Breast Pump.  I rented it from the hospital and it was $20 a week.  This is the one the hospital provides in their nursing rooms and while you stay with them. It's wonderful!  Very gentle and quiet.  But, I'm cheap... so I only rented it for one week. 

Then I found out that the state provides a free pump to NICU moms in order to encourage breastfeeding.  SWEET!  So I went and got my free pump, which is this one:

This is the Medela Lactina Double Breast Pump.  Not nearly as good as the Symphony.  It takes about twice as long to get the same amount of milk, plus it is not at all gentle or quiet.  See the middle yellow part, that is a pump that moves in and out and creates a loud whooshing sound.  Plus, with this pump, you must pump both breasts simultaneously for it to work... not so with the Symphony.  But hey, it's FREE... and that's the right price for me!



Then, you have all these pump parts to clean every.single.time... and sanitize once a day in a steaming bag.

This is all very tedious! 

2 things that make pumping semi-bearable:

This is the PumpEase Hands Free Pumping Bra.  And it makes my life a whole lot easier.  Now, it's a huge PITA to put it on because there are 6 bra clasps that need to be shut, but once it's on, you're free.  I can read, surf the web, talk on the phone or address Marco's needs, all while pumping!  Thanks to this awesome bra, I'm pumping and blogging right now! 

And the second thing that makes pumping easier, is Netflix Instant.  For a person, like myself, who lives without cable, Netflix is a dream! I probably drive Mau crazy at 3am with my shows, but I gotta do something! 

 I can't understand how some people would CHOOSE to exclusively pump.  Don't they realize that they're doing DOUBLE work!  I can't wait till Jonas is home, so I can just ditch the pump! 

The Milk Maid is on Vacation

That's right.  I'm officially DONE nursing Marco!  It's bittersweet.  My goal was to nurse him for 12 months, and I made it to 13 before giving up.  I'm also happy to say that I am not the one who decided I was done, HE was the one that decided he was done.
When I was deciding whether or not to breastfeed, the choice became rather clear.  Although breastfeeding has a lot of downsides, I think that the advantages way outweigh the cons.  For us, I knew that financially speaking, it was wiser to breastfeed... after all, it's FREE! (what a bargain!)  Have you seen how expensive formula is?!  Holy cow!  I also saw it as a convenience issue.  I have never washed bottles, prepared and mixed formula, been worried that I have clean bottles or enough formula, or if we're going out for the day that I have enough to last our trip.  I know that if I'm there, the baby WILL be fed... no pre-planning necessary!  Also, there is no denying the health benefits to the baby.  This is not a breastfeed vs formula feed debate... I do not think formula is poison or bad for your baby, but it is FACT that breast milk is more beneficial.
Jennifer once told me, "so basically you're a slave to your baby... you have to be with him all the time to feed him... or your a slave to the pump".  This is so true!  Especially for the first 6 months.  You really ARE a slave to your child.  Some people can't handle being at the beck and call of their hungry little one... and that's ok.  It's honestly exhausting.  As a breastfeeder, YOU are the only one who can feed the baby... be it 3 in the afternoon, or the dreaded 3 in the morning.  Yes, you could pump, freeze and then have your husband do the 3am feeding... but then you'd be engorged and have to pump anyway.  Oh, and then your husband will wake you up to ask you a dumb question, such as "how much milk?" or "where's the burp cloth?", so you'll get up to help.  It's a real win-win.  My whole thought process was "it's temporary".  Those two words got me through.  It's temporary!  So if I have to be a slave to my son for 13 months of his life... ok... I do it GLADLY!
People always say to me "oh, you're so lucky you got to breastfeed".  Honestly, this really bugs me.  I'm not LUCKY... I'll tell you what I am:  dedicated, committed and full of perseverance!  It has absolutely nothing to do with "luck".  In fact, it was NOT easy to breastfeed in the beginning... but due to my commitment and perseverance, I was successful.  The first week of the baby's life is vital for a potential breastfeeder.  If you and your baby do not practice breastfeeding every 3 hours, you run the risk of not having a decent latch, or your supply being low, or worse even, your milk not coming in at all!  The first week of Marco's life, he was in the NICU.  I was unable to even ATTEMPT to breastfeed until he was FOUR days old!  But this did not deter me.  Only 2 hours after delivering Marco, I had a lactation consultant bring me a pump.  I pumped every 3 hours around the clock.  That means that even though I did not have a hungry baby waking me up every 3 hours to feed, I set my alarm clock and woke myself up to provide my breasts with the needed stimulation.  And the pump HURTS... much more than a little baby mouth!  So, 4 days later, when I was finally invited into the NICU to take my first stab at breastfeeding, it was a disaster.  Marco had been fed through a tube, so he was still taking in MY milk, just not from me.  Since he had gone so many days without sucking, and he was a premie, he could not latch on.  Thankfully, I had a lactation consultant with me, guiding me as I went.  It ended up that he COULD NOT latch!  We were forced to use a nipple shield... not for a few days... for SIX MONTHS!
  So, please... I am NOT lucky... becoming an "official breastfeeder" was very difficult work!  I could have easily given up and said "this is too hard" or "I'm too tired" or "using this shield is a PITA" or "the pump hurts too much" or any number of excuses.  But I stuck with it... through the pain, through the sleepless nights, through the stress!
I had family tell me "oh, you'll only breastfeed for 3 months... you wont make it the full year".  And, I always thought that I'd just go as long as I could.  When I made it to 3 months, it started to get easier.  When I made it to 6 months, he began latching on his own and it became WAY easier.  When I made it to 8 months and he stopped nursing at night, it became heavenly.  When I made it to 10 months and he dropped down to 4 feedings a day, it became freeing.  When I made it to 13 months and he decided he no longer wanted to breastfeed, it became bittersweet.
I am so proud of my accomplishment to have been able to breastfeed Marco for 13 months!  I am so proud that my baby has never had a single drop of formula.  I am so pleased with the bond that has developed between Marco and I due to breastfeeding.  I feel like I set a goal for myself and surpassed it!
But now... the milk maid is on a vacation... for only 4 months, until #2 is born.  Then we start this whole process over again... and I CAN'T WAIT!